(Re)Married with Children

   
     Dating in your thirties can be difficult.  Dating in your thirties with 2 young daughters can be very difficult.  Dating in your thirties with 2 young daughters while the person you are dating has 3 young children of her own... now thats just crazy!

     From the very first phone call when I had asked Vee on a date we knew that our relationship would not be just between us.  Like most people who date and also have young children, we needed time alone to spend with each other (and we still do) but we also realized the importance of seeing how well our two distinct families blended together as one.  It wasn't just Vee and I who were entering into a relationship, but our decisions would impact our children as well.  Vee and I made a lot of special dates for just the two of us to go out and have fun together but we also spent a lot of time where both of our families got together and "learned" each other too. 

     Our children had known each other for a couple of years already.  They were friends, but hanging out and playing together a couple of times a year verses becoming family... these were two very different things indeed.  Not only did our children need time to adjust to what a family of seven might look like, but Vee and I both needed the opportunity to explore those questions ourselves. 

     From the moment that Vee and I knew we wanted to get married we agreed that we also wanted our family to feel like a "real" family.  We weren't blind or niave enough to think that the blending of our families would happen over night or that it would come without challenges, but we set the idea in our minds that we wanted our family to act, feel, and look like any other "normal" family you might meet.  That may not sound like a lot to some, but when your world has been tossed upside down like our children had experinced, "normal" sounds pretty darn good!

    Vee and I consciously looked at how we wanted our family to function and feel and decided on a few major ideas that we felt were most important.  These were our "sticking points":

1) We wanted to be conscious about the language we used. Even though it may seem small, language can be very telling.  We wanted the words we used, especially about our family, to bring about unity.  We steered away from saying things like "my girls" or "your kids" and instead use phrases like "our children" or "the kids."  Vee and I also agreed that the titles "step-parent" or "step-child" were not something we wanted to use in our family.  We were committing to our family with everything we had and we did not want even something as small as the word "step" to show less love, involvement, or meaning.  We have done our best to use a very inclusive language that shows our family and those around us that we love and care about each other.

2) We share our frustrations:  Listen, parenting is challenging... but parenting a child who is already several years old and is not used to your personality and parenting style can bring even more and unique challenges.  Vee and I committed to having a very open and honest communication about all of our frustrations, including our children.  We recognized that although our parenting styles are similar, they were not exactly the same, so we needed some time to adjust, time for the kids to adjust, and an opportunity for each other to share frustrations along the way.  If there is something that is bothering Vee about the way that Zada or Reagan is acting, then she shares it with me freely.  The same is true if I have a concern with Faith, Caleb, or Carter.  There is rarely an issue, but when one arises you can be sure that we feel safe enough to discuss it with the other person and are willing to come up with solutions to whatever challenges we face.

3) We are 1000% in it... when they are ready:  With children there is only two options: all in, or all out.  If you are not completely up to the task of being a parent, then the kids can see it a mile away.  From the very start Vee and I decided that we were going to let our children know that we were more than ready to be involved in their lives and fulfill the role of "mom" and "dad" for them.  At the same time, this takes grace and patience.  We offered our roles, but allowed them to latch on to them as they were ready.  Zada and Reagan began to call Vee "Mom" almost instantly and Carter began to call me "Dadda" pretty quickly as well.  Faith and Caleb were somewhat hesitant to refer to me as "Dad" until the past few months.  It wasn't something we pushed, but rather we let them get comfortable with it and let it happen on their own timetable.  There are times when Zada or Reagan will still want me to do something for them over having Vee do it, or likewise, Faith and Caleb will want Vee to help them with something over asking me, but we have seen a significant shift over the last several months as they have slowly allowed us to take on the roles that we have committed to be for them.

4) They know we are a team:  This may be basic to any parents, but in order to not let your kids take over the parents have to be unified.  Vee and I seek each other out about everything before presenting anything to the children or making any major decisions... and the kids know it!  If you ask our children they will tell you, mom doesn't make any decisions without dad, and dad doesn't make any decisions without mom.  We let them know regularly that we are a team and that we handle things as a team.  When they know it upfront it seems to thwart any attempts to play one parent against each other and allows Vee and I to gain trust and respect for each other too!

5) Sanity nights are a MUST:  Don't get me wrong... we love our kids, but every so often we need a little break from the noise, the messes, and the questions and demands that 5 children can bring.  Enter "Sanity Nights."  Usually about every other week Vee and I go out and have time together just the two of us.  It keeps us grounded and refreshes us and our relationship.  It's time where we get to spend just with each other and no distractions.  Sure, it can be costly with babysitters, and dinners out, etc.. but we feel like it is essential to our relationship and to our roles as Mom and Dad.

     Being (re)married with children can bring some challenges.  There are times you feel like your hair might turn gray overnight.  There are times you feel like you are banging your head against a wall.  There are times where you feel like you are getting nowhere.....but just when you feel that way you are reminded that the rewards are worth it all.  Just the other night Caleb came out of his room after we tucked them all in for the night and exclaimed "Dad, you forgot to kiss me goodnight!"  It's true, sometimes in trying to kiss 5 little heads as you tuck them in to bed you might just miss one... but this one was ultra special!  For the first couple of months Vee and I were married Caleb did not want me to kiss him goodnight... it was really more of a game than anything, but honestly he couldn't have cared less if I kissed him goodnight.  But time and love has changed all that.  Now he wants it... he seeks it out... and if I forget, he is right there to remind me!

Steve  

If You Really Want To Know...

A week or so ago I recieved a comment on my blog from "Ben" who asked:
       

"How do you see blogging about Jeremy and Vee's relationship for the last several months different from "a creepy 'marriage of 3'"? Because, as an outside observer, it seems pretty creepy.

Also, I've been reading Vee's blog. She writes about Jeremy constantly. It's basically Jeremy, Jeremy, Jeremy, and oh-yeah-here's-Steve-honoring-Jeremy's-memory. Even your own blog is pretty much equal parts Vee/Jeremy and Steve/Jeremy. Just based on what I've read, and Vee's comment above notwithstanding, your own personal identity is being subsumed by the specter of her ex-husband. You even went to the Jeremy King Memorial Pheasant Hunt. It's like you are basking in the reflected love from her memories of him.

You are definitely a bigger person than I, Steve. Were I you, a little piece of me would die everytime I heard Jeremy's name. At what point does being supportive of the grief Vee is going through become indistinct from being buried beneath the weight of Jeremy's memory?

How is your relationship different from any other rebound? From what I read, and obviously I don't know the whole story, your romance rapidly escalated from dating to engagement to marriage. Isn't it a bit premature to be thinking about writing a book about loving in the aftermath of tragedy? It's like you two survived the shipwreck and just washed up on the shore of a deserted island a few days ago. If you're still alive in ten years that's a story I'd like to hear about. But if you are fighting this hard for survival right now, what are you going to do when the coconuts run out?"

While my guess is that "Ben" is not as much concerned about 'how to love a widow,' I do think some of these questions may be valid to answer for readers who might be sceptical that a healthy relationship can not only be fostered but can also thrive in the aftermath of death and divorce.  So, Ben, this one is for you.

"How do you see blogging about Jeremy and Vee's relationship for the last several months different from "a creepy 'marriage of 3'"? Because, as an outside observer, it seems pretty creepy."

First, I must say you are correct... you are an "outside observer."  While Vee and I try to be transparent about the things we both write on our blogs, grief is a very, very small percent of what our actual relationship looks like.  Our life looks very similar to many newlywed couples... well, newlyweds that have 5 kids, of course.  We love to spend time together, laugh with one another, go on dates, watch movies, have friends over, relax together on the couch at night, play games with each other, be romatic, read books together, try new restraunts, go to new places, and travel.... oh yeah, raise our 5 children.  You don't see us writing about those pieces of our relationship because that is not the purpose of either of our blogs. 

While Vee and I were dating we noticed that there were not really any resources for people who were dating or marrying a widow.  This blog is designed for a very specific purpose, to be a resource for people who are dating or married to a widow(er).  If you want to know about how many times Vee and I go on dates, cuddle up on the couch, or laugh together... this blog is not for you (and, I may have to call the cops because at that point YOU might be the creepy one).  However if you want a honest look at a specific topic of loving a widow, well then, I have a blog for you!

In addition, Vee's blog reaches out to another very specific community: those who are widowed.  She has a ministry opportunity to serve those people by helping them understand that the ways they think and feel are normal.  She doesn't write on her blog about our love life, or how we raise our children, or how we spend our free time because her audience is specific to grief and her mission is specific to helping those in grief.

I am sure that it can seem as though all we talk about is grief if all you do is read our blogs (which are geared toward those in grief) but if you knew us, which you don't, then you would know that nothing is further from the truth... therefore the comment about a "creepy marraige of three" is nothing but laughable to both Vee and I.  Is our relationship influenced by our past... absolutely! Is our life and relationship rooted in grief... not even close.


"Also, I've been reading Vee's blog. She writes about Jeremy constantly. It's basically Jeremy, Jeremy, Jeremy, and oh-yeah-here's-Steve-honoring-Jeremy's-memory. Even your own blog is pretty much equal parts Vee/Jeremy and Steve/Jeremy. Just based on what I've read, and Vee's comment above notwithstanding, your own personal identity is being subsumed by the specter of her ex-husband. You even went to the Jeremy King Memorial Pheasant Hunt. It's like you are basking in the reflected love from her memories of him."

You get a "gold-star" for being observant! You're right, Vee's blog is about grief and so is mine... its pretty much all we talk about on these two blogs and kinda why we targeted it towards widow(er)s and those dating or married to a widow(er).  If your looking for blogs about home repairs, DIY, baking, or sex... well...  I don't know how to tell you this, but you have come to the wrong spot. 

As far as going to the Jeremy King Memorial Hunt, you're right... I did go.  I went not only to support my wife but to support my kids (Faith, Caleb, and Carter) in remembering their daddy.  I will never apologize or back away from supporting my family, ever!  This does not mean that I 'bask in the reflected love of Jeremy.'  It does mean that I: 1) have a heart, 2) love my family, 3) am willing to walk beside them throughout all of lifes journeys... not just the ones that make me feel good.  In addition, Jeremy was a friend of mine.  We weren't best friends but I knew him well enough to know the kind of guy he was and think that getting together with other people who respected and knew him as a person is a great opportunity.

I can assure you that there is no "basking in love" when it comes to grief.  It's painful.  It sucks.  And its very difficult to watch someone you love hurt.  Getting pleasure or love out of someone else's pain is sick, and I take serious offense that anyone would think that I revel in Vee's grief. However, I do love her in and through those moments.  When I married Vee I promised to love her in good and bad times, and I do!


"You are definitely a bigger person than I, Steve. Were I you, a little piece of me would die everytime I heard Jeremy's name. At what point does being supportive of the grief Vee is going through become indistinct from being buried beneath the weight of Jeremy's memory?" 

Ben, two words of advice... 1) don't ever marry a widow, and 2) if you ever think about marrying a widow, for the love of God please don't do it!

The truth is all relationships need to be selfless, not just those who are dating a widow(er).  If you can't be supportive of the other persons needs from time to time, then the relationship just won't work.  If the relationship is all about you, how you feel, what you want, and what feels good to you, my guess is that your relationship will be short lived. 

I have no concern with feeling "buried beneath the memories Jeremy" because while Vee wants to keep her memories of Jeremy close to her heart, she also is active in pursuing new memories with me, new traditions with me, new activities with me, new experiences with me, and new life and love with me.  

"How is your relationship different from any other rebound? From what I read, and obviously I don't know the whole story, your romance rapidly escalated from dating to engagement to marriage. Isn't it a bit premature to be thinking about writing a book about loving in the aftermath of tragedy? It's like you two survived the shipwreck and just washed up on the shore of a deserted island a few days ago. If you're still alive in ten years that's a story I'd like to hear about. But if you are fighting this hard for survival right now, what are you going to do when the coconuts run out?"

First, you have to realize that our relationship is far from a "rebound."  If Vee or I pursued the first person who asked us out, showed interest in us, or wanted to date us... that would be one thing, but the truth is both Vee and I had other people who pursued us prior to our relationship.  In the demise of my marriage I had been approached by a few women who wanted to pursue dating, but I had standards that were high and needed to find the right person that who could make me feel safe and loved.  After Jeremy died there were several guys who were trying to pursue Vee but none of them made her feel safe or who she could picture living out the rest of her life with.

It is true that our relationship progressed quickly but that is because neither of us were interested in playing games like the people who had pursued us.  We had already gone through so much, had children of our own, and there was too much a risk to be fake and put on a front.  We were open and honest about our past mistakes, our hurts, our dreams, our flaws, and what we wanted out of life.  Since we had already known each other and were friends prior to dating, the real question was whether we wanted more... and the answer was pretty obvious from the start.

It appears that you think we are "fighting hard for survival" but I am not sure where you get this idea... in fact, I would say just the opposite.  It takes an amazing amount of peace, love, and stability to write the kind of blogs that Vee and I write.  We have probably the most honest, romantic, loving relationship that I have ever witnessed.  Our marriage is not perfect and we disagree from time to time, but the amount of love and contentment that we have allows us to use these blogs as our ministry.  I feel that most marriages may not be strong enough to talk about the issues that we do, or be able to feel peace while being transparent like we can.  Vee and I both feel like it is a ministry and special calling to be able to reach out in this way and we have seen that our story has given people who are in the midst of tragedy a sense of hope, which is why we want to write about our story.  We realize our story does not relate to everyone.  You, Ben, may not want to hear or read our story... so I would encourage you to not read the book (or our blogs if you are bothered by them) ... or wait 10 years to read it if that will make a difference for you.  Either way, it makes no difference to me or Vee.

The truth is, Ben, there are thousands of widow(er)s who need to hear our story, who need to know that their thoughts and feelings of grief are normal, who want to know how to move forward while receiving permission to take with them precious memories from the past. There are thousands of widow(er)s who deserve to know that they can find love in the aftermath and that there is hope out there even when they don't think it's possible.  Additionally, there are going to be thousands more who God is preparing to love these widow(er)s.  They need to know that their feelings are valid and real, their thoughts and opinions matter too, and that being loved by someone who has been through loss can bring about the fullest and most intense love that one can find here on earth.

  
My guess, Ben, is that you are neither 1) a widower, or 2) dating a widow.  I hope I have answered some of your questions though and have given you insight into a world that you seem to not understand.  My hope for you Ben is that you are not like one of the random -insecure -unhappy -anonymous people that we occasionally get on our blogs who tries to "burst our bubble."  There have been some in the past and will certainly be more in the future.  My guess is that these folks must think that we value or serious take into consideration such attacks by anonymous people who don't really know us.  These people are not only sad... but sadly mistaken!

What they don't understand is that mine and Vee's happiness is rooted in God, nourished with love, secured with commitment,  strengthened through laughter, and blessed by a calling.  For every critical, unkind, and insensitive comment there are many, many more that reaffirm that what we are doing is valid and helpful.  And, as long as God gives us the outlet and ability we will share our love story with pride.

Steve              

 

 

Memories vs Monuments

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     Over the past couple of weeks I have been answering some questions from various readers about mine and Vee's relationship.  I hope they have been helpful and eye-opening.  Recently in a comment I was asked the question "Do you ever fear that your continual talk about your past will prevent you and Vee from making memories of your own?"

     I want to start by saying I think that this question may be a common fear for people who are dating a widow(er).  There was definately a time when I wondered if Vee would have the desire to make new memories with me because of her desire to hold on to her memories with Jeremy.  While it is a nice idea to think that one can meld the past and present together while looking towards the future, Vee will agree that she struggles sometimes exactly how to put that into practice.  I am not saying it can't be done, in fact I would argue that it can.  What I am saying is that it's a balancing act that requires grace and open communication from both people. 

     Simply stated, I don't think talking about the past is something I fear will hinder mine and Vee's future.   In fact, I think that talking about the past is one of the best ways to gain understanding for the non-widowed person and can give healing and acceptance for the widow(er).  Talking gives our soul an outlet.  Sharing memories, stories, and hurts is a great way to build trust, show support, and practice unconditional love towards your widowed partner.  I believe the trickiest part in making new memories is not in the talking about the past, but feeling free to move into and accept the future. 

     As I have said before in different blog posts there are many different reminders thoughtout our house of Jeremy's life.  There are pictures hanging up, a few articles of clothing still around, some tools in the garage, a few guns and some electronics in the basement.  These items don't make me feel insecure or threatened.  There are pieces of Jeremy and Vee's life together.  They tell a story.  They share an experience.  They bring meaning.  The stir precious memories....but they are not monuments.

     It may be a fine line but I think there is a difference between memories and monuments. Memories can be shared.  While the deceased is not physically here, memories are living.  Memories are special and valuable but they are also a gift and can be passed on.  Memories may make us cry but they can also make us smile and laugh.  Memories live on through stories, sharing, and special everyday moments.

     Monuments, however, are not living. They stand as solemn, fixed, and ominous pieces. They may remind us of the past but only in somber tones. Monuments can't exist as everyday pieces in a life because they are no pliable to fit into the context of a daily routine.  They rarely bring about a smile or laughter. Monuments can be visited, but cannot be "shared" like memories. And, unlike memories which are free for others to experience and be a part of, monuments are "untouchable."

     In our house there are many things that stir memories of Jeremy... but there are no monuments.  While some may choose to place in their home a monument (something fixed and untouchable) this is not the route that feels comfortable to us.  There is nothing so fixed in Vee's life or grief that I feel like I must walk on eggshells.  There is nothing so looming from Jeremy's life that I feel my own existence in our home is diminished.  There is nothing that Vee has set up in our life, relationship, or home that would make me think or feel for one second that our memories together are less important or not equal to her life and relationship with Jeremy.  Instead, the memory pieces that exist are there to provide opportunities for Vee, me, and the kids to touch, hold, and remember Jeremy's life and - at the same time - allow us to grow into who we are as a couple and a family.

     So, while this blog (and Vee's blog) deals a lot with memories of Jeremy its important to recognize that we have chosen these outlets to reach out to others who are in similar situations as ours.  We don't talk about our normal, everyday lives, or our children, or much of anything else because these blogs are a tool for us to help others in a very specific area.  Outside of these blogs, if all Vee and I talked about was her memories of Jeremy then that would be a different story.  But as it stands, Vee's memories of Jeremy are just one part of our life.  Its an accepted piece of our relationship.  Its how I came to know Vee and how she came to be the person she is today... but it does not define us and who we are as a couple together.

Steve

   

    

50 Shades Of Grief

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     Tonight I wanted to address the question posed a few weeks ago: "Do you ever feel the need to talk about your past marriage when Vee talks about Jeremy? Or do you avoid discussion of your previous marriage?"

     I have worked in grief counseling for many years and have come to one realization: Grief comes in many shades, many forms, and many different costumes.

     In our lives Vee and I have both went through a grieving process...but our grief has taken different forms and looks very different.  I grieved the loss of a marriage to a woman who had not been faithful, honest, or loyal.  I grieved the marriage I wanted, but could not obtain.  I grieved the idea that I couldn't make things work even though I wanted too.  I grieved the loss that my daughters would not grow up in a household that was untarnished by divorce.  I grieve the fact that my daughters would never be truly close to their mom because she did not have the capability to have that kind of relationship with them.  I grieved... and then I left the past behind me and moved forward.

     Vee's grief looks very different/  Vee grieved the loss of her husband to an early death.  She grieved Jeremy's presence, his love, and his support.  She grieved the fact that he would never get to see Faith, Caleb, or Carter grow up into adults.  She grieved the dreams they had made together and the plans they shared.  She grieved... and then she took her grief and moved forward.

     Jeremy is not a intimate part of mine and Vee's relationship, but he is an important part.  We speak of him often.  Jeremy's pictures are up in the house.  We tell stories about Jeremy to the kids and visit his memorial stone on occasions.  Vee knows it is OK to move forward in life and continue to grieve Jeremy.  Its the form and shade that is healthy and acceptable to her and to me.

     On the other hand, and maybe not surprisingly, I rarely speak of my ex-spouse.  Its not because I can't, it's more because my grief is different.  I have no need to carry those memories forward. My grief is over - and while I bear some scars from the hurt, I no longer carry the grief with me.  From time to time Vee and I have to discuss how to handle situations with my ex-spouse, how her instabilities may or may not affect the girls, or what obstacles we may face in the future in regards to her, but mostly her name is absent from our house. This doesn't mean that I have totally forgotten my past.  I can and do talk about experiences I had in my previous marriage, but it rarely if ever revolves around my ex-spouse.

     As I have said in previous blog posts, I think the key to any marriage is clear, honest communication.  When you get remarried you come into the relationship with past experiences, memories, and even some baggage.  Sometimes those memories and experiences can make the other person feel a bit insecure. 

     Vee and I have found a lot of comfort and peace in talking through our feelings about how and where to share those memories. We recognize that the other person has a different grief journey and the forms and shades vary from our own experience.  We don't hold each other hostage to how "we would handle it" but show grace and patience as we walk the journey with each other.

     If you are dating a widow(er) I would just like to remand you that each person grieves differently.  Some outsiders will try to tell you that the widow(er) is moving to fast.  Others will insist she/he is moving too slow in their grief journey.  Some people might suggest that they "should or "shouldn't"  do "this" or "that in order to aid in their healing process. I encourage you to take the time to understand their own personal grief. Walk along side of them.  Ask questions.  Listen.  Be observant. Be quick to support and slow to judge... because there are many shades of grief.

Steve 

        

Keep Breathing

     When tradgedy strikes it seems to knock all of the air out of you.  One second everything is normal and the next you find yourself in a completely different world.  It's a world that is unfamiliar.  It's a world that is unfair.  It's a world where there are more questions than answers.  It's a world that changes your views, perspectives, and life forever.  It's a world that brings hurt like never before.   

     It's a world where our friend, Amy Lewis, found herself this past Friday night when her husband of almost 11 years, Jim, suddenly and tragically died.  For those of you who have lost a spouse, you know what the coming days, months, and years will bring for Amy... but right now, she is just focused on breathing.  One step at a time.  One moment at a time.  One detail at a time. One breath at a time.

     At the young age of 34, Amy is trying to make sense out of this tradgedy... but luckily she does not have to do this alone.  She has the support of friends and her church who are standing beside her at this very moment.  We don't have any words to take away the pain or make sense out of Jim's death.  The ache that her heart feels and will continue to feel will not be soothed by our presence.  But, we are here and willing to do whatever we can to help.

     One of the ways that Vee and I want to personally support Amy is by raising money to help cover some of the costs of Jim's funeral. On top of tragically losing her husband, Amy just found out that the life insurance policy that she and Jim took out 20 months ago did not meet the required 24 month term period and therefore will not receive any fianancial assistance through Jim's life insurance.

      I encourage you to read more about Jim and Amy Lewis in Vee's blog. Since Vee receives a small amount of revenue from her blog, she has decided to donate whatever she earns from the month of December to Amy to help ease the financial burden that she is facing. All you have to do is click on her blog (CLICK HERE)- that's it! For each page impression, she receives money so make sure the page fully loads but it's really that easy. You are welcome to click on the advertisements on her page to earn even more, but just the click alone to her blog is huge.  So, even if you don't have any money to help... you can help raise money for Amy with just a few clicks on Vee's blog everyday!

Vee and I have also added Paypal donation buttons on our blogs. Click the button to easy and securely donate money to help Amy.

Steve

Measuring Up

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     The topic this week is a very sensitive one.  The question was posed "How do you handle thoughts of comparing yourself and Jeremy in your mind?"  The "right" answer might be to say that I don't ever compare myself to Jeremy or wonder how I measure up... but thats not the honest answer.

    I think in every romantic relationship there is a desire to be the "one-and-only."  If at some point along the way you feel like your position as the "one-and-only" is threatened then you might ask yourself questions like, "What am I doing wrong or not doing right?" or "What does the other person do or have that I don't?"  Unless you are highly self-confident you may find yourself thinking about some of those very questions... or others like it.

     While some people may tell you that it's ridiculous to feel like you are "competing" with someone who is deceased, the truth is that those feelings are normal.  Don't beat yourself up for having those feelings.  At the same time, don't allow those feelings to beat you up either.

     There are definitely times where I feel insecure and compare myself with Jeremy.  There have been times in the past when I wondered if I made Vee as happy as Jeremy did, or I questioned whether she found me as attractive, or fun to be with, or if our intimate relationship looked different in comparison.  I think there were times that these thoughts were fostered by hearing Vee talk fondly about past experiences she had with Vee and wondering then how I measured up to those memories.

     It is at this point where I had to ask myself an honest question... was Vee making me feel second best, or was I doing that to myself?

     The answer was simple.  Vee has always been great at never comparing me to Jeremy.   We share some similarities, but she is careful never to compare us. In addition Vee is great about making me and our relationship feel special.  The problem lies in my own thinking.  My own insecurities cause me to question how I measure up and its normal to have those questions from time to time. However, if those questions are left unbridled they can eat you alive.

     While I can't answer for everyone, I have found a few things that keep those questions at bay and give me peace about my relationship with Vee while giving her freedom to share and discuss her feelings and memories about Jeremy.

1) Vee loved and still loves Jeremy.
I know this sounds simple (and maybe contradictory when dealing with this subject) but its true.  The love that they shared was genuine and did not die with Jeremy's physical presence.  Once you fully understand that love and know that it is ongoing, the need to compete will diminish.

2) Vee chose me.
Vee didn't have to choose me.  There were several guys that pursued Vee after Jeremy died.  She could have chosen any one of them or someone else, but she chose me instead.  She cherishes me and the qualities that I posses.  While I don't always understand exactly why she finds me so great, I have to trust her love for me.

3) Vee is not the same person with me as she was with Jeremy.
To try to compare if Jeremy made Vee more happy than I do is really comparing apples to oranges, because there is more than one thing that changed in the equation.  Vee is a different person, she thinks differently, sees the world differently, and has a different outlook on life.  I trust that Jeremy was the right person to be with her then, and I am the right person to be with her now.

4) I don't make Vee responsible for the way I feel.
If there are times when I feel insecure then I take ownership of those.  The truth is that it's normal to feel insecure from time to time when dating a widow(er) - just be honest about it and even more importantly don't blame the other person.  When I come across those times I make sure to let Vee know its about how I feel and not about how she is treating me.

     All of this being said, you might find yourself in a relationship where it's not you who compares you to the deceased spouse but your widowed girlfriend/boyfriend.  If you feel like this is the case then the best answer is open and honest communication.  Allow them to see how they compare you and be willing to let them see how it makes you feel when they do.  They simply may be unaware that they are comparing you or unaware of its affects on how you feel.  Either way, it is up to you and your widowed girlfriend/boyfriend to set boundaries in the relationship and figure out what works best and fits comfortably for the both of you.

     I have adressed this question a little more in my blog post "It's Ok" (CLICK HERE for the link) or on my guest post for Widow's Voice "Second Best" (CLICK HERE for the link)   I encourage you to check both of those out for more information about this topic.



     By the way, keep the questions coming!  I am open to trying to answer any questions you may have about Vee and I and our relationship together.

Steve
     

Heaven knows...

 Source

     Over the next couple of weeks I am going to be addressing some of the questions that have been submitted to me about dating a widow.  I always welcome more questions so if you have any that arise over the next few weeks feel free to ask away.

     One question that Vee and I have been asked over the last several months has been about our thoughts/views about heaven.  This question has been asked in various ways but last week one anonymous comment asked "Do you worry about what will happen when you, Vee and Jeremy are all in heaven at the same time?" (I guess this is presuming I make it there :))

     This can be a tough question for all involved and since it falls under the topic of "religion" (a sensitive topic for most people) it can be even more complex.  Let me first start out with how Vee has described this question in the past.  Although I have not lost a spouse and I certainly don't want to try to put words in the mouths of others, I have found that most widow(er)s find a great sense of peace in thinking about seeing their late spouse in heaven at some point in the future.  Vee has spoken and written about this topic several times in the past.  Her hope is that when she dies and enters into heaven she will be reunited with Jeremy and that they will be able to spend some time there together.  This thought brings her hope.  It allows her to find some comfort in knowing that she will one day get to see Jeremy again face to face.  Her belief allows her to, in some small way, cope with her loss.

     Before I share my thoughts on heaven I should probably preface a few things.  First, while I have a Master's in Theology I am not expert in this subject.  I have my own thoughts and opinions but it doesn't mean I am right.... nor do I think I have the answers to everything.  Second, while Vee and I have talked about this subject before I am usually very brief about this subject because I know my thoughts about heaven are not a popular opinion in most circles - especially in the widow(er) community.  Third, heaven is a subject that Vee and I have talked extensively about.  We respect each others opinions but don't always agree on what heaven may look like.  Last of all, I have noticed that most of our societal views on what heaven will look like come less from what the bible describes and more from our desires and hopes for what heaven will look/be like.  Having thoroughly scared you and primed the pump for you to be completely angry at me... here are my thoughts about what will happen when Vee, Jeremy and I are all in heaven together...

     I do believe that we will see our loved ones again in heaven.  I believe that one day Vee will get to see Jeremy again.  I believe that if I enter into heaven Vee and I will see each other as well.  Where my beliefs differ from most is that I do not believe that my relationship with Vee or Jeremy's relationship with Vee will be of primary importance when we get there.  On earth we are incomplete - we are distant from God who is the Only Being who can fulfill us.  Without getting too much into theology, I believe that while we experience God's presence here on earth we will experience it to the full in heaven.  We will finally be complete.  There will be no more aches and pains.  There will be no more sin or hurts.  There will be no more death.  And, there will be no more distractions that keep us from living fully in the presence of God ... things such as: Facebook, or tv, or money, or stress... or even spouses.

     Now, obviously I don't mean to suggest that spouses are a bad thing or keep us from living for God - on the contrary - I believe that Vee helps me have a deeper relationship with God... but I also know there are times where I  place Vee on a level that distracts me from God.  In heaven I don't believe we will feel the need and longing for our spouse in heaven like we do here on earth - our attention and desire will be for God.  Will we recognize our loved ones in heaven - I believe so! Will we be happy to see our loved one in heaven - I can't imagine it another way!  I am not sure, however, that we will have spouses in heaven.

     Having said all of this, I think the underlying question might be "Who will get Vee's loyalty in heaven?" or "Who is really Vee's true spouse?"  To answer the first question I would say that when we get to heaven Vee's loyalty will be to God.  To answer the second,  I think that Jeremy and I are equally her truest spouses.  I think that there is a tendency for some to think (and for those who date widows to feel) that the second marriage is "second best."  While I think its normal and natural to have times you might feel "second best" it's probably best and most helpful to allow your widowed girlfriend/spouse to speak into that feeling for you.  Vee continually reminds me that I am her choice, that she loves me, and that my presence in her life is as meaningful and purposeful as her marriage with Jeremy.  Another way of saying it is this: Veronica's love for Jeremy is no more diminished by my presence then is her love for me diminished by her past with Jeremy. Once you learn to trust that the widow(er) you are dating truly loves and cares for you - the answer to who they "love the most" is easy for you to answer (even if others want to debate it).

Steve