Measuring Up

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     The topic this week is a very sensitive one.  The question was posed "How do you handle thoughts of comparing yourself and Jeremy in your mind?"  The "right" answer might be to say that I don't ever compare myself to Jeremy or wonder how I measure up... but thats not the honest answer.

    I think in every romantic relationship there is a desire to be the "one-and-only."  If at some point along the way you feel like your position as the "one-and-only" is threatened then you might ask yourself questions like, "What am I doing wrong or not doing right?" or "What does the other person do or have that I don't?"  Unless you are highly self-confident you may find yourself thinking about some of those very questions... or others like it.

     While some people may tell you that it's ridiculous to feel like you are "competing" with someone who is deceased, the truth is that those feelings are normal.  Don't beat yourself up for having those feelings.  At the same time, don't allow those feelings to beat you up either.

     There are definitely times where I feel insecure and compare myself with Jeremy.  There have been times in the past when I wondered if I made Vee as happy as Jeremy did, or I questioned whether she found me as attractive, or fun to be with, or if our intimate relationship looked different in comparison.  I think there were times that these thoughts were fostered by hearing Vee talk fondly about past experiences she had with Vee and wondering then how I measured up to those memories.

     It is at this point where I had to ask myself an honest question... was Vee making me feel second best, or was I doing that to myself?

     The answer was simple.  Vee has always been great at never comparing me to Jeremy.   We share some similarities, but she is careful never to compare us. In addition Vee is great about making me and our relationship feel special.  The problem lies in my own thinking.  My own insecurities cause me to question how I measure up and its normal to have those questions from time to time. However, if those questions are left unbridled they can eat you alive.

     While I can't answer for everyone, I have found a few things that keep those questions at bay and give me peace about my relationship with Vee while giving her freedom to share and discuss her feelings and memories about Jeremy.

1) Vee loved and still loves Jeremy.
I know this sounds simple (and maybe contradictory when dealing with this subject) but its true.  The love that they shared was genuine and did not die with Jeremy's physical presence.  Once you fully understand that love and know that it is ongoing, the need to compete will diminish.

2) Vee chose me.
Vee didn't have to choose me.  There were several guys that pursued Vee after Jeremy died.  She could have chosen any one of them or someone else, but she chose me instead.  She cherishes me and the qualities that I posses.  While I don't always understand exactly why she finds me so great, I have to trust her love for me.

3) Vee is not the same person with me as she was with Jeremy.
To try to compare if Jeremy made Vee more happy than I do is really comparing apples to oranges, because there is more than one thing that changed in the equation.  Vee is a different person, she thinks differently, sees the world differently, and has a different outlook on life.  I trust that Jeremy was the right person to be with her then, and I am the right person to be with her now.

4) I don't make Vee responsible for the way I feel.
If there are times when I feel insecure then I take ownership of those.  The truth is that it's normal to feel insecure from time to time when dating a widow(er) - just be honest about it and even more importantly don't blame the other person.  When I come across those times I make sure to let Vee know its about how I feel and not about how she is treating me.

     All of this being said, you might find yourself in a relationship where it's not you who compares you to the deceased spouse but your widowed girlfriend/boyfriend.  If you feel like this is the case then the best answer is open and honest communication.  Allow them to see how they compare you and be willing to let them see how it makes you feel when they do.  They simply may be unaware that they are comparing you or unaware of its affects on how you feel.  Either way, it is up to you and your widowed girlfriend/boyfriend to set boundaries in the relationship and figure out what works best and fits comfortably for the both of you.

     I have adressed this question a little more in my blog post "It's Ok" (CLICK HERE for the link) or on my guest post for Widow's Voice "Second Best" (CLICK HERE for the link)   I encourage you to check both of those out for more information about this topic.



     By the way, keep the questions coming!  I am open to trying to answer any questions you may have about Vee and I and our relationship together.

Steve
     

It's OK...

     It’s a relationship I really can’t describe.  Vee and I have tried to explain to others how differently our relationship came together, how much purpose we feel in each others lives, how much healing we have found not just in each other but also in our family… but try as we might, there is just no way of explaining it.  I know that generally everyone feels like there relationship is unique, and I believe that’s true, but I also believe that tragedy and pain births an understanding of life and love in a different way. And, since Vee and I have both experience our own tragedy and pain, our relationship was bound to be different from the start.

         The first night that I called Vee on the phone we established the "ground-rules" that have given us both a sense of peace and freedom in our relationship.  Neither one of us were willing to waste time in a relationship that was "just for fun."  We had too much at stake to play games, put up walls, or make ourselves into something we were not just so the other person would like us better.  Our first phone call lasted about 4 hours and during that time we talked about our likes, dislikes, things we would never compromise on, and our dreams.  Coming from the relationship that I had been in for 12 years where communication and honesty did not exist, the level of honesty and communication that Vee and I shared (and still share) was a breath of fresh air.  In fact I still tell her today that her honesty and openness was what made me fall in love with her.    

     I don't remember exactly how it happened or who brought it up first, but I do remember when Vee began to talk about Jeremy.  I could tell she had so much to share but at the same time she was a little hesitant.  At that moment I had a choice -  I could either accept her as she was and listen to the things that were truly on her heart or I could nonchalantly change the subject so she understood that opening up her heart about "everything" was not really something I wanted.  There was really only one choice for me - I wanted to know all of her - the hurts, the joy, the pain, the triumphs, the grief, the past - I wanted to be the person she could run to with all those things.  So, when I  heard the pause and hesitation in her voice I reassured her "It's OK."  I encouraged her to talk and share her memories about Jeremy I told her that I would never expect her to keep those things to herself and wanted to be an outlet to express her loss and her love for Jeremy... and she did. She still does. 

     I have been asked the question several times before, "Does it ever bother you when Vee talks about Jeremy, or how much she misses him, etc.?" Before I can adequately answer that question, I need to state that I am no hero.  I am just an average guy and just like every average guy from time to time I have an ego, get insecure, and want the love of my life to love me and me only.  There are times when Vee talks about Jeremy where I feel insecure.  There are times when I have a different agenda and a memory that she shares something about Jeremy and the agenda changes. There are times when Vee gets together with friends who knew her and Jeremy together and reminisce about past times and I feel somewhat out of place.  There are times when grief is the last thing I want to think of or talk about at the exact moment that something triggers a grief moment for Vee.  Sometimes its hard to hear the truth, but Vee and I are both the kind of people that would rather know the truth than to be pleasantly left in the dark.  I have always reassured Vee that I am a safe place to talk about her true feelings, her memories, and her hurts.  If she can't share them with her husband, then who can she share them with?

     I also understand that my insecurities and ego are about me and not about Vee and what is on her heart.  My insecurities are mine and I have had to own them and understand where they come from. While I would love to tell you that my insecurities and ego never gets in the way when it comes to Vee sharing her heart about Jeremy and her grief, it would be a lie. What I can say is that those times are very minimal.  In addition, whether or not I feel insecure in the moment that Vee shares something about Jeremy, I do as I have always done and stand in support of her. I walk beside her, and I let her know that it's ok to share with me.  If in the moments I do feel insecure I try to always process and understand why I felt that way and it's almost always because of something that has happened to me in the past which was unrelated to what Vee was sharing with me. 

     Regardless of how I feel when Vee shares with me,  I always come back to the same conclusions: 

1) Vee had a wonderful relationship with Jeremy. She loved (and still loves) Jeremy incredibly, and they shared something special together.  It cannot be duplicated or replaced.  It was unique, priceless, and forever life-changing.

2) Vee and I have a wonderful relationship.  She loves me incredibly and we share something special together.  It cannot be duplicated or replaced.  It is unique, priceless, and forever life-changing.

3) And last of all - neither one of these relationship diminishes the realness or fullness of the other!


Steve