It's OK...

     It’s a relationship I really can’t describe.  Vee and I have tried to explain to others how differently our relationship came together, how much purpose we feel in each others lives, how much healing we have found not just in each other but also in our family… but try as we might, there is just no way of explaining it.  I know that generally everyone feels like there relationship is unique, and I believe that’s true, but I also believe that tragedy and pain births an understanding of life and love in a different way. And, since Vee and I have both experience our own tragedy and pain, our relationship was bound to be different from the start.

         The first night that I called Vee on the phone we established the "ground-rules" that have given us both a sense of peace and freedom in our relationship.  Neither one of us were willing to waste time in a relationship that was "just for fun."  We had too much at stake to play games, put up walls, or make ourselves into something we were not just so the other person would like us better.  Our first phone call lasted about 4 hours and during that time we talked about our likes, dislikes, things we would never compromise on, and our dreams.  Coming from the relationship that I had been in for 12 years where communication and honesty did not exist, the level of honesty and communication that Vee and I shared (and still share) was a breath of fresh air.  In fact I still tell her today that her honesty and openness was what made me fall in love with her.    

     I don't remember exactly how it happened or who brought it up first, but I do remember when Vee began to talk about Jeremy.  I could tell she had so much to share but at the same time she was a little hesitant.  At that moment I had a choice -  I could either accept her as she was and listen to the things that were truly on her heart or I could nonchalantly change the subject so she understood that opening up her heart about "everything" was not really something I wanted.  There was really only one choice for me - I wanted to know all of her - the hurts, the joy, the pain, the triumphs, the grief, the past - I wanted to be the person she could run to with all those things.  So, when I  heard the pause and hesitation in her voice I reassured her "It's OK."  I encouraged her to talk and share her memories about Jeremy I told her that I would never expect her to keep those things to herself and wanted to be an outlet to express her loss and her love for Jeremy... and she did. She still does. 

     I have been asked the question several times before, "Does it ever bother you when Vee talks about Jeremy, or how much she misses him, etc.?" Before I can adequately answer that question, I need to state that I am no hero.  I am just an average guy and just like every average guy from time to time I have an ego, get insecure, and want the love of my life to love me and me only.  There are times when Vee talks about Jeremy where I feel insecure.  There are times when I have a different agenda and a memory that she shares something about Jeremy and the agenda changes. There are times when Vee gets together with friends who knew her and Jeremy together and reminisce about past times and I feel somewhat out of place.  There are times when grief is the last thing I want to think of or talk about at the exact moment that something triggers a grief moment for Vee.  Sometimes its hard to hear the truth, but Vee and I are both the kind of people that would rather know the truth than to be pleasantly left in the dark.  I have always reassured Vee that I am a safe place to talk about her true feelings, her memories, and her hurts.  If she can't share them with her husband, then who can she share them with?

     I also understand that my insecurities and ego are about me and not about Vee and what is on her heart.  My insecurities are mine and I have had to own them and understand where they come from. While I would love to tell you that my insecurities and ego never gets in the way when it comes to Vee sharing her heart about Jeremy and her grief, it would be a lie. What I can say is that those times are very minimal.  In addition, whether or not I feel insecure in the moment that Vee shares something about Jeremy, I do as I have always done and stand in support of her. I walk beside her, and I let her know that it's ok to share with me.  If in the moments I do feel insecure I try to always process and understand why I felt that way and it's almost always because of something that has happened to me in the past which was unrelated to what Vee was sharing with me. 

     Regardless of how I feel when Vee shares with me,  I always come back to the same conclusions: 

1) Vee had a wonderful relationship with Jeremy. She loved (and still loves) Jeremy incredibly, and they shared something special together.  It cannot be duplicated or replaced.  It was unique, priceless, and forever life-changing.

2) Vee and I have a wonderful relationship.  She loves me incredibly and we share something special together.  It cannot be duplicated or replaced.  It is unique, priceless, and forever life-changing.

3) And last of all - neither one of these relationship diminishes the realness or fullness of the other!


Steve