Saturday, September 8, 2012

A Unique Journey...

     You know life has handed you a unique journey when you're sitting in the middle of a driveway with your newly married wife googling information and resources about marrying a widow.  My wife, Vee, and I weren't looking up the information because we were under marital duress, questioning wether we had rushed into our marriage, or grasping at straws to help a dysfunctional relationship,  we simply wanted to see how other people who were in our shoes were handling the intricacies of married life.... and that's when we found it.

Nothing.

     Sure, our situation is a little different.  We're both in our early thirties, have 5 young children, and both suffered extremely painful pasts (hers due to the loss of her late husband, Jeremy, mine through a painful divorce with a mentally ill ex-wife). Nonetheless, we thought it should be easy to find information about guys who marry young widows - but to our surprise, we didn't find much of anything at all! Ok, there were a couple of "experts" whose advice was nauseating (ideas such as: "instruct the widow put all mementos away in a box or get rid of them completely so she can just have a life with you") but nothing from someone who had actually been married to a widow and who had walked that journey side-by-side with the woman they loved as they grieved the loss of their love while simultaneously loving a new person.

     I spent two or three days scouring the internet looking for blogs about guys who were dating or married to a widow and who would have real, valuable, honest information about challenges and joys of loving someone with a broken heart.  The more I searched, the more disturbed I became.  I realized that there was no support, no help, no resources for people like me and my wife.

Enter the idea for "Love in the Aftermath."

     On November 9, 2010 my wife experience the worst nightmare of her life: at age 28 she became a widow.  Her husband, Jeremy, had gone out hunting after work, but hours later, was found dead near his tree-stand.  Left with two young children and six months pregnant with their third child, Vee was left to figure out how to make sense of life without her love.  Three months after Jeremy's death Veronica gave birth to a little baby boy, Carter, who would never get to hear the sound of his daddy's voice, feel the touch of his daddy's hands, or feel the embrace of his daddy's arms.  While Vee would grieve the loss of her best friend, husband, and partner, she also grieved the loss for her children.  Jeremy was a family man who loved his children ferociously.  His everyday presence in their lives could never be replaced, not by her or any other person.

     In 1999 I started working in church ministry as a youth minister, which eventually evolved into involvement minister and preaching minister.  In 2002 and 2004 I celebrated the birth of my daughters Zada and Reagan.  I had a good job, a good home, and good kids - to most people, it seemed like I had it all.  The truth, however, was that I was living in a personal hell.  My ex-wife had developed a mental illness which caused extreme tension in our relationship, it led to her nearly ruining us financially, being an unfaithful spouse, and kept her from participating in my life or the lives of our daughters.  As her disease progressed and the symptoms worsen, her actions and attitudes began to make my personal and professional life almost intolerable.  She began to spread lies around the church where I was working that I had abused her, had affairs, and even raped her - and although these allegations were false, they still impacted my life.  Not only was the situation bad for me, but I could see the affect it had on my two young daughters who had no real relationship with their mom and did not trust her.  For the health and wellbeing of myself and my daughters I needed to get out of the relationship, even though it meant that I would receive a lot of scorn from those in the church where I had worked for so many years.

     It was here, in the aftermath of the storms of life, that God brought Vee and I together to find healing, purpose, and love.  While our relationship has come with its own set of unique challenges, there is not one second that I have doubted my love for Vee, God's purpose in our relationship, and the future that we have together. As a result, Vee and I decided to not just live out our love for each other but to do so in a way that would help others.

Yet another step towards "Love in the Aftermath."

     This blog is not about the "right" way to be married to a widow, and I certainly don't claim to have all the answers. What I hope this blog can do is fulfill what I was originally looking for sitting in the driveway with my wife: real, valuable, and honest information about loving a widow.  Its a personal journey.  And, while I have worked as a bereavement counselor for the past several years, I am no expert in being married to a widow.  I make mistakes, from time to time feel insecure, and struggle with how to best love and support my wife as she grieves.

     I want this blog to be transparent.   If you love a widow and want some support in how to love her best, if you want to make sure that the feelings you are experiencing from time to time are normal, or if your looking for advice on how to handle the intricacies of a dating or marriage relationship with a widow, then I encourage you to take this journey with me!
   
     On a last note, there is NO WAY I would be writing this blog without the support and encouragement of my amazing wife, Veronica!  If there is one thing that I have learned through Vee's love for me it is that the challenges that come our way are in no way comparable to the love, loyalty, and understanding that she gives me on a daily basis!  I daily look forward to seeing how God will use our lives together for His purpose and I pray that God will use this outlet to help others who are sharing a similar life experience!


Steve



21 comments:

  1. Wow! I look forward to reading more!

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  2. What a beautiful post and I am sure many will benefit from it... My prayers for you and your family and your amazing ministry!

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  3. Absolutely beautiful! I was not at RC to know Veronica personally, but as an alumni, found out her story (some of my friends knew Jeremy). I have gotten to know her through her transparent honesty of 'real' life, and you are blessed with such writing talent also. May God continue to bless you both as you serve Him, even through the toughest of times. May you inspire many more to serve Him, even through those tough times! Thank you!

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  4. I pray God's continued blessings on you as you serve and glorify Him thru your ministry.

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  5. Steve,
    You are precious! My dad was Bipolar and I know first hand how the illness can tear lives apart. Bless your heart and I know how it must have hurt to have Christian brethren not understanding and standing by you. Please know that reading yours and Veronica's Blog's are so beneficial to others and God is using you both for his glory. You and your sweet family are in my prayers. God Bless! Deborah Henry

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  6. You have always had a heart for ministry and I know that you will let God be your guide in sharing your story. I love you and am so proud of the way you care about others. Love, Mom

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  7. Can't wait to hear more! :)

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  8. I love you, I admire you, I respect you more than words can say. God bless you as you move forward with this new family

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  9. Steve, you are an amazing person for all that you do for Veronica & for others as well!

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  10. Steve, I will pray for your ex wife. Having a mental illness is not a choice and I pray that your heart can forgive her one day for making your life a personal hell.

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    1. That's also a great point to bring up. I have a "similar" situation where my children's father became an addict. This destroyed our family life, leaving me no other option but to separate the children and I from him. We have had a tough journey- he still disappoints my children to this day, which is painful for me, too. And that's why it's very hard to forgive. But, with every passing moment, I'm letting go of that anger- which is better for me than him anyway! And with time, Steve will also forgive and be content with the past.
      I'm so happy for this family!! You both are such GREAT people for WANTING to help others by sharing your story. **Big hugs to you both**

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  11. very awesome post. good luck with the blog. I have read Vee's off and on for the past few years. glad she has found a reason to smile again.

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  12. thank you for starting this! I started praying for Veronica right after Jeremy died. I worked at a preschool where someone there knew Jeremy's family. I was drawn to her story and bookmarked her blog onto my favorites on my computer. Little did I know that several months later, I would also enexpectedly lose my husband at a young age. While our situations are obviously different, I have been able to relate to her on many levels. I got engaged last weekend and am so happy and blessed by what God is doing in my life. But you are right- there are few resources out there for those dating/marrying a widow. I recently blogged about this very topic- how it's really hard to date someone that has lost a spouse. I'm not sure I could do it and I am thankful for those of you that can :) I'm not sure if my fiance will want or need this blog but I am confident there are others out there that will. So thank you!

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  13. Great post. I too look forward to reading more!

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  14. Thank God you are writing this blog. We need someone to counteract all the drivel on AK's board! I'm a widow and if I had to model my next relationship after AK and MG, I'd never marry again. You and Vee are an inspiration!

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  15. I'm glad you're doing this, and I'm sure it will benefit many. I just have one question: Will it be just you writing here, Steve, or will Vee write here too, with her perspective on love in the aftermath? (OR should I look for such on *her* blog?) Asking because when I read "If you love a widow and want some support in how to love her best" and "if your looking for advice on how to handle the intricacies of a dating or marriage relationship with a widow"...it seems kind of one-sided. Is this blog meant to be only for men? Or more for all those loving one who is widowed (whoever they are and however it happened)?

    P.S. My late fiance's ex-wife was bipolar...she hurt him in ways I cannot even bear to think about. I'm so sorry that you've had to travel what sounds like a similar road.

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    1. Connie,
      This blog is not "only" for men who are dating or marrying a widow, but it will definately be more geared for that audience. I hope I can also be a a valuable resource for widows who are looking to date and are wanting to see how Our relationship has worked and how we have worked through various issues.

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    2. I appreciate that; thanks! I'm realizing in reading your reply that, just like if one were not widowed, getting "the other side's" perspective can indeed be valuable. Thanks again!

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  16. I didn't know the full story between you and your ex wife, but I love her as I love you. I know this is your story, but some may not want their story out there for all the world to see..ie. Ex wife. Besides that..loving the blog.

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  17. Anonymous, you are right. This is a hard thing to navigate. I, too, loved and supported both Steve and his ex throughout their marriage and divorce. Quite simply, they are the reason we even ended up in Indiana. (It wasn't until a later court date I was present at that I finally had just enough of the lies and decided not to stick up for her anymore). It was painful to watch and it was equally hard to experience on the friendship side since those in the church felt so strongly about this relationship. In my personal opinion, because this is Steve's story - his ex is a part of it...just as Jeremy is a part of Vee's story. I believe he was honest. He could have given a lot more information and crossed the line into malice, but he did not. In fact, I applaud Steve for finally standing up for himself a little and actually speaking out about how hurt he was, how his daughters were affected and how very little people actually knew. Although not all support from his church congregation went away and he was still respected by many, he had opportunities on several occasions to really tell individuals the truth about what was going on. In every instance I can recall, though, he chose to remain silent. He did not smear her name among those in the congregation that she was close to and were supporting her amidst the lies. I respect your opinion and I expect that Steve was merely setting up his story, just giving a little more of his background. So, no fear...I sincerely believe that she will not often be a topic on this blog.

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