Helping = Healing

 
     Some of the best opportunities in life are found when you can look outside of yourself and help someone else around you who is in need. While Vee and I have both gone through our fair share of heartache, we have learned to use our hurts for good and help others rather than remain bitter and beaten.

     One way we get to do this is through our blogs.  We get to share our experiences, challenges, and joys with those who are walking similar paths.

     Another way that we get to help others is through various opportunities to speak and share our story.   We are very excited to get another opportunity to share our story and help others coming up April 19-21.  Vee and I have been scheduled to speak at Camp Widow East (CLICK HERE).  Camp Widow is a great resource for those who have lost a spouse and are looking for hope, healing, and community.

     Vee and I will be leading several different workshops and roundtable discussions, including: Love in the Aftermath (finding love after tragedy), Mad at God (working through feelings of anger, spirituality, and loss), Loving the Pieces (a roundtable discussion on loving a widow), and a table discussion for widows of sudden loss.

     Our goal is to reach out to anyone who has lost a spouse.  In addition, we also want to reach out to those who are dating or married to a widow.  If you know of someone who falls into either of those two categories, we encourage you to look into attending Camp Widow.  We would love to see you there and look forward to sharing, growing, and healing with you there!

     Ps - I will be leading a special roundtable discussion for those who are dating or married to a widow.  So, if that's you, please come!  I look forward to having a big group to share with and learn from!

     Also, if you have been to Camp Widow or are going to be going to Camp Widow East this year... lets hear from you! How did you like it?  What did you find helpful?

Steve   

A Safe Place

Source

I remember the first time it happened.

"Jeremy and I went there last week."

I was taken back for a second.  A little hurt.  A little surprised.

Vee and I were sitting around talking with friends that she has had since college.  Then it happened.  She called me by the wrong name.  She was telling her friends about something that she and I did together just a week ago, but instead of saying "Steve and I..." she said "Jeremy and I..."

She never caught it... and by the reaction of those around no one else did either.  But I did.

It has happened a few more times since then.  Mostly around Jeremy's family or friends that Vee and Jeremy shared together.  At first it was unsettling.  I try to be as empathetic as I can but nobody wants to be called by the wrong name, especially if it's your spouse calling you by the wrong name.

Calling Vee by the wrong name has never been something I have ever feared.  Maybe it's because mine and Vee's relationship looks and feels very different than the relationship I had with my ex-spouse.  Maybe it's because long before I was divorced I realized that my first marriage could not be salvaged and had come to a place where my ex-wifes name wasn't associated with my everyday living or happiness.  Maybe it's because I have a peace about letting the past go and moving ahead into the future.  Regardless, I have never found myself accidentally calling Vee by the wrong name... and that might be why I found it surprising the first time she referred to me as Jeremy.

One of the last times that Vee had called me by Jeremy's name she caught herself right afterward and apologized for her mistake.  She didn't have to apologize, but it gave us a chance to talk about our feelings on the subject and a learning moment for the both of us.  She asked me if I was hurt when she called me Jeremy's name.  I told her the truth... while I was't upset, I also wasn't crazy about it.

At the same time, I understood.  As Vee began to share and we talked about the couple of times she had called me by Jeremy's name before I understood more of Vee's heart.  Jeremy and Vee had a close bond, close enough for Vee to feel safe to share her vulnerable hurt and fears with him.  While there are friends and family who know bits and pieces of her life, there was only one person who knew all of her and loved her for who she was anyway... that was Jeremy.

Now there are two men in that role. There are two men that she can associate with proving her a safe place to let down her guard and still feel as loved, valued, and beautiful as ever before.  Vee's accidental name slip is not a inner reflection of a greater love for Jeremy over me.  It has no basis for a idea that she has a reflected love for Jeremy casted onto me.  Rather, it is an natural, impulse reaction to feeling safe and loved.  Every time she had felt that sense of committed, safe, and overwhelming love in the past it had always come from Jeremy.

While I will never be thrilled when Vee accidentally calls me Jeremy... I get it.  When it happens now (which is very rare) I'm not angry or upset.  I recognize that it is not only a melding of Vee's two worlds in her heart and mind, but it is also a expanding of her safe place in this world.

So, the question might be for those of you who are dating a widow "What do I do when my widowed partner calls me by the wrong name?"  Here are a few things I am learning to do...

1) I understand that my feelings are valid too.  It's ok to feel awkward or surprised if thats the way it makes you feel.  You are entitled to have feelings - it's what you do with those feelings that can cause problems.  Own your feelings and learn to express them in a meaningful and helpful way.  I understand that Vee's name slips are not intentional or intended to make me feel bad or a reflection of a lesser love for me, so I don't accuse her of those things.  Instead, I try to let her know that while that makes me uncomfortable, I can understand why that happens from time to time.

2) I take the opportunity to give grace.  Vee isn't malicious and never tries to compare me and Jeremy.  She makes me feel loved and valued and would never want to hurt me in any way.  Therefore, when she makes a mistake, I do my best to give her grace and be as empathetic as possible.  I try not to bring up old times when she might have slipped up and called me the wrong name, but let her know that we all make mistakes from time to time and it doesn't affect the way I feel about her or love her.

3) I try not to point out the name slips unless she happens to catch them.  With 5 kids in our house everyone gets called the wrong name from time to time. I am always calling the kids by the wrong name, but it doesn't mean I love any of them more or less... it just means that I am getting old and in my mind things sometimes get jumbled!  To point out every time Vee might slip up (which again is very, very rare) seems a bit pointless.  I know when she is talking about me and when she is talking about Jeremy.  Sometimes she catches her mistake and other times she doesn't. Regardless, I try to let those moments pass without "making her pay" for an honest mistake.

4) I embrace the knowledge that I get to make her feel as safe and loved as she has ever known before.  As I mentioned before, I am only the second person in Vee's life to give her a safe place where she can fully let her guard down and still be loved.  I now get the opportunity to make her feel just and safe and loved.  It may come with bumps in the road, or mistakes along the way, or challenges that arise, but at the end of the day Vee knows that I am the person in her life who she can count on and who will love her no matter what.

Steve

(Re)Married with Children

   
     Dating in your thirties can be difficult.  Dating in your thirties with 2 young daughters can be very difficult.  Dating in your thirties with 2 young daughters while the person you are dating has 3 young children of her own... now thats just crazy!

     From the very first phone call when I had asked Vee on a date we knew that our relationship would not be just between us.  Like most people who date and also have young children, we needed time alone to spend with each other (and we still do) but we also realized the importance of seeing how well our two distinct families blended together as one.  It wasn't just Vee and I who were entering into a relationship, but our decisions would impact our children as well.  Vee and I made a lot of special dates for just the two of us to go out and have fun together but we also spent a lot of time where both of our families got together and "learned" each other too. 

     Our children had known each other for a couple of years already.  They were friends, but hanging out and playing together a couple of times a year verses becoming family... these were two very different things indeed.  Not only did our children need time to adjust to what a family of seven might look like, but Vee and I both needed the opportunity to explore those questions ourselves. 

     From the moment that Vee and I knew we wanted to get married we agreed that we also wanted our family to feel like a "real" family.  We weren't blind or niave enough to think that the blending of our families would happen over night or that it would come without challenges, but we set the idea in our minds that we wanted our family to act, feel, and look like any other "normal" family you might meet.  That may not sound like a lot to some, but when your world has been tossed upside down like our children had experinced, "normal" sounds pretty darn good!

    Vee and I consciously looked at how we wanted our family to function and feel and decided on a few major ideas that we felt were most important.  These were our "sticking points":

1) We wanted to be conscious about the language we used. Even though it may seem small, language can be very telling.  We wanted the words we used, especially about our family, to bring about unity.  We steered away from saying things like "my girls" or "your kids" and instead use phrases like "our children" or "the kids."  Vee and I also agreed that the titles "step-parent" or "step-child" were not something we wanted to use in our family.  We were committing to our family with everything we had and we did not want even something as small as the word "step" to show less love, involvement, or meaning.  We have done our best to use a very inclusive language that shows our family and those around us that we love and care about each other.

2) We share our frustrations:  Listen, parenting is challenging... but parenting a child who is already several years old and is not used to your personality and parenting style can bring even more and unique challenges.  Vee and I committed to having a very open and honest communication about all of our frustrations, including our children.  We recognized that although our parenting styles are similar, they were not exactly the same, so we needed some time to adjust, time for the kids to adjust, and an opportunity for each other to share frustrations along the way.  If there is something that is bothering Vee about the way that Zada or Reagan is acting, then she shares it with me freely.  The same is true if I have a concern with Faith, Caleb, or Carter.  There is rarely an issue, but when one arises you can be sure that we feel safe enough to discuss it with the other person and are willing to come up with solutions to whatever challenges we face.

3) We are 1000% in it... when they are ready:  With children there is only two options: all in, or all out.  If you are not completely up to the task of being a parent, then the kids can see it a mile away.  From the very start Vee and I decided that we were going to let our children know that we were more than ready to be involved in their lives and fulfill the role of "mom" and "dad" for them.  At the same time, this takes grace and patience.  We offered our roles, but allowed them to latch on to them as they were ready.  Zada and Reagan began to call Vee "Mom" almost instantly and Carter began to call me "Dadda" pretty quickly as well.  Faith and Caleb were somewhat hesitant to refer to me as "Dad" until the past few months.  It wasn't something we pushed, but rather we let them get comfortable with it and let it happen on their own timetable.  There are times when Zada or Reagan will still want me to do something for them over having Vee do it, or likewise, Faith and Caleb will want Vee to help them with something over asking me, but we have seen a significant shift over the last several months as they have slowly allowed us to take on the roles that we have committed to be for them.

4) They know we are a team:  This may be basic to any parents, but in order to not let your kids take over the parents have to be unified.  Vee and I seek each other out about everything before presenting anything to the children or making any major decisions... and the kids know it!  If you ask our children they will tell you, mom doesn't make any decisions without dad, and dad doesn't make any decisions without mom.  We let them know regularly that we are a team and that we handle things as a team.  When they know it upfront it seems to thwart any attempts to play one parent against each other and allows Vee and I to gain trust and respect for each other too!

5) Sanity nights are a MUST:  Don't get me wrong... we love our kids, but every so often we need a little break from the noise, the messes, and the questions and demands that 5 children can bring.  Enter "Sanity Nights."  Usually about every other week Vee and I go out and have time together just the two of us.  It keeps us grounded and refreshes us and our relationship.  It's time where we get to spend just with each other and no distractions.  Sure, it can be costly with babysitters, and dinners out, etc.. but we feel like it is essential to our relationship and to our roles as Mom and Dad.

     Being (re)married with children can bring some challenges.  There are times you feel like your hair might turn gray overnight.  There are times you feel like you are banging your head against a wall.  There are times where you feel like you are getting nowhere.....but just when you feel that way you are reminded that the rewards are worth it all.  Just the other night Caleb came out of his room after we tucked them all in for the night and exclaimed "Dad, you forgot to kiss me goodnight!"  It's true, sometimes in trying to kiss 5 little heads as you tuck them in to bed you might just miss one... but this one was ultra special!  For the first couple of months Vee and I were married Caleb did not want me to kiss him goodnight... it was really more of a game than anything, but honestly he couldn't have cared less if I kissed him goodnight.  But time and love has changed all that.  Now he wants it... he seeks it out... and if I forget, he is right there to remind me!

Steve  

If You Really Want To Know...

A week or so ago I recieved a comment on my blog from "Ben" who asked:
       

"How do you see blogging about Jeremy and Vee's relationship for the last several months different from "a creepy 'marriage of 3'"? Because, as an outside observer, it seems pretty creepy.

Also, I've been reading Vee's blog. She writes about Jeremy constantly. It's basically Jeremy, Jeremy, Jeremy, and oh-yeah-here's-Steve-honoring-Jeremy's-memory. Even your own blog is pretty much equal parts Vee/Jeremy and Steve/Jeremy. Just based on what I've read, and Vee's comment above notwithstanding, your own personal identity is being subsumed by the specter of her ex-husband. You even went to the Jeremy King Memorial Pheasant Hunt. It's like you are basking in the reflected love from her memories of him.

You are definitely a bigger person than I, Steve. Were I you, a little piece of me would die everytime I heard Jeremy's name. At what point does being supportive of the grief Vee is going through become indistinct from being buried beneath the weight of Jeremy's memory?

How is your relationship different from any other rebound? From what I read, and obviously I don't know the whole story, your romance rapidly escalated from dating to engagement to marriage. Isn't it a bit premature to be thinking about writing a book about loving in the aftermath of tragedy? It's like you two survived the shipwreck and just washed up on the shore of a deserted island a few days ago. If you're still alive in ten years that's a story I'd like to hear about. But if you are fighting this hard for survival right now, what are you going to do when the coconuts run out?"

While my guess is that "Ben" is not as much concerned about 'how to love a widow,' I do think some of these questions may be valid to answer for readers who might be sceptical that a healthy relationship can not only be fostered but can also thrive in the aftermath of death and divorce.  So, Ben, this one is for you.

"How do you see blogging about Jeremy and Vee's relationship for the last several months different from "a creepy 'marriage of 3'"? Because, as an outside observer, it seems pretty creepy."

First, I must say you are correct... you are an "outside observer."  While Vee and I try to be transparent about the things we both write on our blogs, grief is a very, very small percent of what our actual relationship looks like.  Our life looks very similar to many newlywed couples... well, newlyweds that have 5 kids, of course.  We love to spend time together, laugh with one another, go on dates, watch movies, have friends over, relax together on the couch at night, play games with each other, be romatic, read books together, try new restraunts, go to new places, and travel.... oh yeah, raise our 5 children.  You don't see us writing about those pieces of our relationship because that is not the purpose of either of our blogs. 

While Vee and I were dating we noticed that there were not really any resources for people who were dating or marrying a widow.  This blog is designed for a very specific purpose, to be a resource for people who are dating or married to a widow(er).  If you want to know about how many times Vee and I go on dates, cuddle up on the couch, or laugh together... this blog is not for you (and, I may have to call the cops because at that point YOU might be the creepy one).  However if you want a honest look at a specific topic of loving a widow, well then, I have a blog for you!

In addition, Vee's blog reaches out to another very specific community: those who are widowed.  She has a ministry opportunity to serve those people by helping them understand that the ways they think and feel are normal.  She doesn't write on her blog about our love life, or how we raise our children, or how we spend our free time because her audience is specific to grief and her mission is specific to helping those in grief.

I am sure that it can seem as though all we talk about is grief if all you do is read our blogs (which are geared toward those in grief) but if you knew us, which you don't, then you would know that nothing is further from the truth... therefore the comment about a "creepy marraige of three" is nothing but laughable to both Vee and I.  Is our relationship influenced by our past... absolutely! Is our life and relationship rooted in grief... not even close.


"Also, I've been reading Vee's blog. She writes about Jeremy constantly. It's basically Jeremy, Jeremy, Jeremy, and oh-yeah-here's-Steve-honoring-Jeremy's-memory. Even your own blog is pretty much equal parts Vee/Jeremy and Steve/Jeremy. Just based on what I've read, and Vee's comment above notwithstanding, your own personal identity is being subsumed by the specter of her ex-husband. You even went to the Jeremy King Memorial Pheasant Hunt. It's like you are basking in the reflected love from her memories of him."

You get a "gold-star" for being observant! You're right, Vee's blog is about grief and so is mine... its pretty much all we talk about on these two blogs and kinda why we targeted it towards widow(er)s and those dating or married to a widow(er).  If your looking for blogs about home repairs, DIY, baking, or sex... well...  I don't know how to tell you this, but you have come to the wrong spot. 

As far as going to the Jeremy King Memorial Hunt, you're right... I did go.  I went not only to support my wife but to support my kids (Faith, Caleb, and Carter) in remembering their daddy.  I will never apologize or back away from supporting my family, ever!  This does not mean that I 'bask in the reflected love of Jeremy.'  It does mean that I: 1) have a heart, 2) love my family, 3) am willing to walk beside them throughout all of lifes journeys... not just the ones that make me feel good.  In addition, Jeremy was a friend of mine.  We weren't best friends but I knew him well enough to know the kind of guy he was and think that getting together with other people who respected and knew him as a person is a great opportunity.

I can assure you that there is no "basking in love" when it comes to grief.  It's painful.  It sucks.  And its very difficult to watch someone you love hurt.  Getting pleasure or love out of someone else's pain is sick, and I take serious offense that anyone would think that I revel in Vee's grief. However, I do love her in and through those moments.  When I married Vee I promised to love her in good and bad times, and I do!


"You are definitely a bigger person than I, Steve. Were I you, a little piece of me would die everytime I heard Jeremy's name. At what point does being supportive of the grief Vee is going through become indistinct from being buried beneath the weight of Jeremy's memory?" 

Ben, two words of advice... 1) don't ever marry a widow, and 2) if you ever think about marrying a widow, for the love of God please don't do it!

The truth is all relationships need to be selfless, not just those who are dating a widow(er).  If you can't be supportive of the other persons needs from time to time, then the relationship just won't work.  If the relationship is all about you, how you feel, what you want, and what feels good to you, my guess is that your relationship will be short lived. 

I have no concern with feeling "buried beneath the memories Jeremy" because while Vee wants to keep her memories of Jeremy close to her heart, she also is active in pursuing new memories with me, new traditions with me, new activities with me, new experiences with me, and new life and love with me.  

"How is your relationship different from any other rebound? From what I read, and obviously I don't know the whole story, your romance rapidly escalated from dating to engagement to marriage. Isn't it a bit premature to be thinking about writing a book about loving in the aftermath of tragedy? It's like you two survived the shipwreck and just washed up on the shore of a deserted island a few days ago. If you're still alive in ten years that's a story I'd like to hear about. But if you are fighting this hard for survival right now, what are you going to do when the coconuts run out?"

First, you have to realize that our relationship is far from a "rebound."  If Vee or I pursued the first person who asked us out, showed interest in us, or wanted to date us... that would be one thing, but the truth is both Vee and I had other people who pursued us prior to our relationship.  In the demise of my marriage I had been approached by a few women who wanted to pursue dating, but I had standards that were high and needed to find the right person that who could make me feel safe and loved.  After Jeremy died there were several guys who were trying to pursue Vee but none of them made her feel safe or who she could picture living out the rest of her life with.

It is true that our relationship progressed quickly but that is because neither of us were interested in playing games like the people who had pursued us.  We had already gone through so much, had children of our own, and there was too much a risk to be fake and put on a front.  We were open and honest about our past mistakes, our hurts, our dreams, our flaws, and what we wanted out of life.  Since we had already known each other and were friends prior to dating, the real question was whether we wanted more... and the answer was pretty obvious from the start.

It appears that you think we are "fighting hard for survival" but I am not sure where you get this idea... in fact, I would say just the opposite.  It takes an amazing amount of peace, love, and stability to write the kind of blogs that Vee and I write.  We have probably the most honest, romantic, loving relationship that I have ever witnessed.  Our marriage is not perfect and we disagree from time to time, but the amount of love and contentment that we have allows us to use these blogs as our ministry.  I feel that most marriages may not be strong enough to talk about the issues that we do, or be able to feel peace while being transparent like we can.  Vee and I both feel like it is a ministry and special calling to be able to reach out in this way and we have seen that our story has given people who are in the midst of tragedy a sense of hope, which is why we want to write about our story.  We realize our story does not relate to everyone.  You, Ben, may not want to hear or read our story... so I would encourage you to not read the book (or our blogs if you are bothered by them) ... or wait 10 years to read it if that will make a difference for you.  Either way, it makes no difference to me or Vee.

The truth is, Ben, there are thousands of widow(er)s who need to hear our story, who need to know that their thoughts and feelings of grief are normal, who want to know how to move forward while receiving permission to take with them precious memories from the past. There are thousands of widow(er)s who deserve to know that they can find love in the aftermath and that there is hope out there even when they don't think it's possible.  Additionally, there are going to be thousands more who God is preparing to love these widow(er)s.  They need to know that their feelings are valid and real, their thoughts and opinions matter too, and that being loved by someone who has been through loss can bring about the fullest and most intense love that one can find here on earth.

  
My guess, Ben, is that you are neither 1) a widower, or 2) dating a widow.  I hope I have answered some of your questions though and have given you insight into a world that you seem to not understand.  My hope for you Ben is that you are not like one of the random -insecure -unhappy -anonymous people that we occasionally get on our blogs who tries to "burst our bubble."  There have been some in the past and will certainly be more in the future.  My guess is that these folks must think that we value or serious take into consideration such attacks by anonymous people who don't really know us.  These people are not only sad... but sadly mistaken!

What they don't understand is that mine and Vee's happiness is rooted in God, nourished with love, secured with commitment,  strengthened through laughter, and blessed by a calling.  For every critical, unkind, and insensitive comment there are many, many more that reaffirm that what we are doing is valid and helpful.  And, as long as God gives us the outlet and ability we will share our love story with pride.

Steve              

 

 

Memories vs Monuments

Source

     Over the past couple of weeks I have been answering some questions from various readers about mine and Vee's relationship.  I hope they have been helpful and eye-opening.  Recently in a comment I was asked the question "Do you ever fear that your continual talk about your past will prevent you and Vee from making memories of your own?"

     I want to start by saying I think that this question may be a common fear for people who are dating a widow(er).  There was definately a time when I wondered if Vee would have the desire to make new memories with me because of her desire to hold on to her memories with Jeremy.  While it is a nice idea to think that one can meld the past and present together while looking towards the future, Vee will agree that she struggles sometimes exactly how to put that into practice.  I am not saying it can't be done, in fact I would argue that it can.  What I am saying is that it's a balancing act that requires grace and open communication from both people. 

     Simply stated, I don't think talking about the past is something I fear will hinder mine and Vee's future.   In fact, I think that talking about the past is one of the best ways to gain understanding for the non-widowed person and can give healing and acceptance for the widow(er).  Talking gives our soul an outlet.  Sharing memories, stories, and hurts is a great way to build trust, show support, and practice unconditional love towards your widowed partner.  I believe the trickiest part in making new memories is not in the talking about the past, but feeling free to move into and accept the future. 

     As I have said before in different blog posts there are many different reminders thoughtout our house of Jeremy's life.  There are pictures hanging up, a few articles of clothing still around, some tools in the garage, a few guns and some electronics in the basement.  These items don't make me feel insecure or threatened.  There are pieces of Jeremy and Vee's life together.  They tell a story.  They share an experience.  They bring meaning.  The stir precious memories....but they are not monuments.

     It may be a fine line but I think there is a difference between memories and monuments. Memories can be shared.  While the deceased is not physically here, memories are living.  Memories are special and valuable but they are also a gift and can be passed on.  Memories may make us cry but they can also make us smile and laugh.  Memories live on through stories, sharing, and special everyday moments.

     Monuments, however, are not living. They stand as solemn, fixed, and ominous pieces. They may remind us of the past but only in somber tones. Monuments can't exist as everyday pieces in a life because they are no pliable to fit into the context of a daily routine.  They rarely bring about a smile or laughter. Monuments can be visited, but cannot be "shared" like memories. And, unlike memories which are free for others to experience and be a part of, monuments are "untouchable."

     In our house there are many things that stir memories of Jeremy... but there are no monuments.  While some may choose to place in their home a monument (something fixed and untouchable) this is not the route that feels comfortable to us.  There is nothing so fixed in Vee's life or grief that I feel like I must walk on eggshells.  There is nothing so looming from Jeremy's life that I feel my own existence in our home is diminished.  There is nothing that Vee has set up in our life, relationship, or home that would make me think or feel for one second that our memories together are less important or not equal to her life and relationship with Jeremy.  Instead, the memory pieces that exist are there to provide opportunities for Vee, me, and the kids to touch, hold, and remember Jeremy's life and - at the same time - allow us to grow into who we are as a couple and a family.

     So, while this blog (and Vee's blog) deals a lot with memories of Jeremy its important to recognize that we have chosen these outlets to reach out to others who are in similar situations as ours.  We don't talk about our normal, everyday lives, or our children, or much of anything else because these blogs are a tool for us to help others in a very specific area.  Outside of these blogs, if all Vee and I talked about was her memories of Jeremy then that would be a different story.  But as it stands, Vee's memories of Jeremy are just one part of our life.  Its an accepted piece of our relationship.  Its how I came to know Vee and how she came to be the person she is today... but it does not define us and who we are as a couple together.

Steve

   

    

50 Shades Of Grief

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     Tonight I wanted to address the question posed a few weeks ago: "Do you ever feel the need to talk about your past marriage when Vee talks about Jeremy? Or do you avoid discussion of your previous marriage?"

     I have worked in grief counseling for many years and have come to one realization: Grief comes in many shades, many forms, and many different costumes.

     In our lives Vee and I have both went through a grieving process...but our grief has taken different forms and looks very different.  I grieved the loss of a marriage to a woman who had not been faithful, honest, or loyal.  I grieved the marriage I wanted, but could not obtain.  I grieved the idea that I couldn't make things work even though I wanted too.  I grieved the loss that my daughters would not grow up in a household that was untarnished by divorce.  I grieve the fact that my daughters would never be truly close to their mom because she did not have the capability to have that kind of relationship with them.  I grieved... and then I left the past behind me and moved forward.

     Vee's grief looks very different/  Vee grieved the loss of her husband to an early death.  She grieved Jeremy's presence, his love, and his support.  She grieved the fact that he would never get to see Faith, Caleb, or Carter grow up into adults.  She grieved the dreams they had made together and the plans they shared.  She grieved... and then she took her grief and moved forward.

     Jeremy is not a intimate part of mine and Vee's relationship, but he is an important part.  We speak of him often.  Jeremy's pictures are up in the house.  We tell stories about Jeremy to the kids and visit his memorial stone on occasions.  Vee knows it is OK to move forward in life and continue to grieve Jeremy.  Its the form and shade that is healthy and acceptable to her and to me.

     On the other hand, and maybe not surprisingly, I rarely speak of my ex-spouse.  Its not because I can't, it's more because my grief is different.  I have no need to carry those memories forward. My grief is over - and while I bear some scars from the hurt, I no longer carry the grief with me.  From time to time Vee and I have to discuss how to handle situations with my ex-spouse, how her instabilities may or may not affect the girls, or what obstacles we may face in the future in regards to her, but mostly her name is absent from our house. This doesn't mean that I have totally forgotten my past.  I can and do talk about experiences I had in my previous marriage, but it rarely if ever revolves around my ex-spouse.

     As I have said in previous blog posts, I think the key to any marriage is clear, honest communication.  When you get remarried you come into the relationship with past experiences, memories, and even some baggage.  Sometimes those memories and experiences can make the other person feel a bit insecure. 

     Vee and I have found a lot of comfort and peace in talking through our feelings about how and where to share those memories. We recognize that the other person has a different grief journey and the forms and shades vary from our own experience.  We don't hold each other hostage to how "we would handle it" but show grace and patience as we walk the journey with each other.

     If you are dating a widow(er) I would just like to remand you that each person grieves differently.  Some outsiders will try to tell you that the widow(er) is moving to fast.  Others will insist she/he is moving too slow in their grief journey.  Some people might suggest that they "should or "shouldn't"  do "this" or "that in order to aid in their healing process. I encourage you to take the time to understand their own personal grief. Walk along side of them.  Ask questions.  Listen.  Be observant. Be quick to support and slow to judge... because there are many shades of grief.

Steve 

        

Keep Breathing

     When tradgedy strikes it seems to knock all of the air out of you.  One second everything is normal and the next you find yourself in a completely different world.  It's a world that is unfamiliar.  It's a world that is unfair.  It's a world where there are more questions than answers.  It's a world that changes your views, perspectives, and life forever.  It's a world that brings hurt like never before.   

     It's a world where our friend, Amy Lewis, found herself this past Friday night when her husband of almost 11 years, Jim, suddenly and tragically died.  For those of you who have lost a spouse, you know what the coming days, months, and years will bring for Amy... but right now, she is just focused on breathing.  One step at a time.  One moment at a time.  One detail at a time. One breath at a time.

     At the young age of 34, Amy is trying to make sense out of this tradgedy... but luckily she does not have to do this alone.  She has the support of friends and her church who are standing beside her at this very moment.  We don't have any words to take away the pain or make sense out of Jim's death.  The ache that her heart feels and will continue to feel will not be soothed by our presence.  But, we are here and willing to do whatever we can to help.

     One of the ways that Vee and I want to personally support Amy is by raising money to help cover some of the costs of Jim's funeral. On top of tragically losing her husband, Amy just found out that the life insurance policy that she and Jim took out 20 months ago did not meet the required 24 month term period and therefore will not receive any fianancial assistance through Jim's life insurance.

      I encourage you to read more about Jim and Amy Lewis in Vee's blog. Since Vee receives a small amount of revenue from her blog, she has decided to donate whatever she earns from the month of December to Amy to help ease the financial burden that she is facing. All you have to do is click on her blog (CLICK HERE)- that's it! For each page impression, she receives money so make sure the page fully loads but it's really that easy. You are welcome to click on the advertisements on her page to earn even more, but just the click alone to her blog is huge.  So, even if you don't have any money to help... you can help raise money for Amy with just a few clicks on Vee's blog everyday!

Vee and I have also added Paypal donation buttons on our blogs. Click the button to easy and securely donate money to help Amy.

Steve

Measuring Up

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     The topic this week is a very sensitive one.  The question was posed "How do you handle thoughts of comparing yourself and Jeremy in your mind?"  The "right" answer might be to say that I don't ever compare myself to Jeremy or wonder how I measure up... but thats not the honest answer.

    I think in every romantic relationship there is a desire to be the "one-and-only."  If at some point along the way you feel like your position as the "one-and-only" is threatened then you might ask yourself questions like, "What am I doing wrong or not doing right?" or "What does the other person do or have that I don't?"  Unless you are highly self-confident you may find yourself thinking about some of those very questions... or others like it.

     While some people may tell you that it's ridiculous to feel like you are "competing" with someone who is deceased, the truth is that those feelings are normal.  Don't beat yourself up for having those feelings.  At the same time, don't allow those feelings to beat you up either.

     There are definitely times where I feel insecure and compare myself with Jeremy.  There have been times in the past when I wondered if I made Vee as happy as Jeremy did, or I questioned whether she found me as attractive, or fun to be with, or if our intimate relationship looked different in comparison.  I think there were times that these thoughts were fostered by hearing Vee talk fondly about past experiences she had with Vee and wondering then how I measured up to those memories.

     It is at this point where I had to ask myself an honest question... was Vee making me feel second best, or was I doing that to myself?

     The answer was simple.  Vee has always been great at never comparing me to Jeremy.   We share some similarities, but she is careful never to compare us. In addition Vee is great about making me and our relationship feel special.  The problem lies in my own thinking.  My own insecurities cause me to question how I measure up and its normal to have those questions from time to time. However, if those questions are left unbridled they can eat you alive.

     While I can't answer for everyone, I have found a few things that keep those questions at bay and give me peace about my relationship with Vee while giving her freedom to share and discuss her feelings and memories about Jeremy.

1) Vee loved and still loves Jeremy.
I know this sounds simple (and maybe contradictory when dealing with this subject) but its true.  The love that they shared was genuine and did not die with Jeremy's physical presence.  Once you fully understand that love and know that it is ongoing, the need to compete will diminish.

2) Vee chose me.
Vee didn't have to choose me.  There were several guys that pursued Vee after Jeremy died.  She could have chosen any one of them or someone else, but she chose me instead.  She cherishes me and the qualities that I posses.  While I don't always understand exactly why she finds me so great, I have to trust her love for me.

3) Vee is not the same person with me as she was with Jeremy.
To try to compare if Jeremy made Vee more happy than I do is really comparing apples to oranges, because there is more than one thing that changed in the equation.  Vee is a different person, she thinks differently, sees the world differently, and has a different outlook on life.  I trust that Jeremy was the right person to be with her then, and I am the right person to be with her now.

4) I don't make Vee responsible for the way I feel.
If there are times when I feel insecure then I take ownership of those.  The truth is that it's normal to feel insecure from time to time when dating a widow(er) - just be honest about it and even more importantly don't blame the other person.  When I come across those times I make sure to let Vee know its about how I feel and not about how she is treating me.

     All of this being said, you might find yourself in a relationship where it's not you who compares you to the deceased spouse but your widowed girlfriend/boyfriend.  If you feel like this is the case then the best answer is open and honest communication.  Allow them to see how they compare you and be willing to let them see how it makes you feel when they do.  They simply may be unaware that they are comparing you or unaware of its affects on how you feel.  Either way, it is up to you and your widowed girlfriend/boyfriend to set boundaries in the relationship and figure out what works best and fits comfortably for the both of you.

     I have adressed this question a little more in my blog post "It's Ok" (CLICK HERE for the link) or on my guest post for Widow's Voice "Second Best" (CLICK HERE for the link)   I encourage you to check both of those out for more information about this topic.



     By the way, keep the questions coming!  I am open to trying to answer any questions you may have about Vee and I and our relationship together.

Steve
     

Heaven knows...

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     Over the next couple of weeks I am going to be addressing some of the questions that have been submitted to me about dating a widow.  I always welcome more questions so if you have any that arise over the next few weeks feel free to ask away.

     One question that Vee and I have been asked over the last several months has been about our thoughts/views about heaven.  This question has been asked in various ways but last week one anonymous comment asked "Do you worry about what will happen when you, Vee and Jeremy are all in heaven at the same time?" (I guess this is presuming I make it there :))

     This can be a tough question for all involved and since it falls under the topic of "religion" (a sensitive topic for most people) it can be even more complex.  Let me first start out with how Vee has described this question in the past.  Although I have not lost a spouse and I certainly don't want to try to put words in the mouths of others, I have found that most widow(er)s find a great sense of peace in thinking about seeing their late spouse in heaven at some point in the future.  Vee has spoken and written about this topic several times in the past.  Her hope is that when she dies and enters into heaven she will be reunited with Jeremy and that they will be able to spend some time there together.  This thought brings her hope.  It allows her to find some comfort in knowing that she will one day get to see Jeremy again face to face.  Her belief allows her to, in some small way, cope with her loss.

     Before I share my thoughts on heaven I should probably preface a few things.  First, while I have a Master's in Theology I am not expert in this subject.  I have my own thoughts and opinions but it doesn't mean I am right.... nor do I think I have the answers to everything.  Second, while Vee and I have talked about this subject before I am usually very brief about this subject because I know my thoughts about heaven are not a popular opinion in most circles - especially in the widow(er) community.  Third, heaven is a subject that Vee and I have talked extensively about.  We respect each others opinions but don't always agree on what heaven may look like.  Last of all, I have noticed that most of our societal views on what heaven will look like come less from what the bible describes and more from our desires and hopes for what heaven will look/be like.  Having thoroughly scared you and primed the pump for you to be completely angry at me... here are my thoughts about what will happen when Vee, Jeremy and I are all in heaven together...

     I do believe that we will see our loved ones again in heaven.  I believe that one day Vee will get to see Jeremy again.  I believe that if I enter into heaven Vee and I will see each other as well.  Where my beliefs differ from most is that I do not believe that my relationship with Vee or Jeremy's relationship with Vee will be of primary importance when we get there.  On earth we are incomplete - we are distant from God who is the Only Being who can fulfill us.  Without getting too much into theology, I believe that while we experience God's presence here on earth we will experience it to the full in heaven.  We will finally be complete.  There will be no more aches and pains.  There will be no more sin or hurts.  There will be no more death.  And, there will be no more distractions that keep us from living fully in the presence of God ... things such as: Facebook, or tv, or money, or stress... or even spouses.

     Now, obviously I don't mean to suggest that spouses are a bad thing or keep us from living for God - on the contrary - I believe that Vee helps me have a deeper relationship with God... but I also know there are times where I  place Vee on a level that distracts me from God.  In heaven I don't believe we will feel the need and longing for our spouse in heaven like we do here on earth - our attention and desire will be for God.  Will we recognize our loved ones in heaven - I believe so! Will we be happy to see our loved one in heaven - I can't imagine it another way!  I am not sure, however, that we will have spouses in heaven.

     Having said all of this, I think the underlying question might be "Who will get Vee's loyalty in heaven?" or "Who is really Vee's true spouse?"  To answer the first question I would say that when we get to heaven Vee's loyalty will be to God.  To answer the second,  I think that Jeremy and I are equally her truest spouses.  I think that there is a tendency for some to think (and for those who date widows to feel) that the second marriage is "second best."  While I think its normal and natural to have times you might feel "second best" it's probably best and most helpful to allow your widowed girlfriend/spouse to speak into that feeling for you.  Vee continually reminds me that I am her choice, that she loves me, and that my presence in her life is as meaningful and purposeful as her marriage with Jeremy.  Another way of saying it is this: Veronica's love for Jeremy is no more diminished by my presence then is her love for me diminished by her past with Jeremy. Once you learn to trust that the widow(er) you are dating truly loves and cares for you - the answer to who they "love the most" is easy for you to answer (even if others want to debate it).

Steve

Guilty as Charged

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     I cannot begin to tell you how much Vee means to me.  At the risk of sounding too "mushy" I have to admit that often times I find myself thinking throughout the day about how wonderful of a person and spouse she is for me.  You see, I came from a long relationship where there was no communication, no trust, no desire to be a "team", no support or encouragement, no intimacy, and no hope.  I had tried for many years to get marital counseling, to build trust and communication, to be a "team"... but what I eventually discovered is that no matter how hard I tried, or how many times I tried, it took two people to make things work.  The end result was always the same - I was alone in my efforts, in my marriage, and in raising my daughters.

     On the other side, Vee was in a healthy and strong marriage with Jeremy.  Sure, they had issues like any other married couple but overall they were happy, content, and epitomized the statement of "the perfect couple."  They knew what it meant to be a "team", have honest and open communication, and were both dedicated to their marriage.  They had mutual likes, friends, and interests.  They enjoyed singing together, raising their family together, and living life together.  They had every intention of growing old together...

     ...then Jeremy died.

     After Jeremy's death Vee's focus changed.  It took some time, but it changed.  She began to realize the importance in life.  She began to separate out the "small things" in life from the issues that really matter.  She learned how to love deeper, to love freer, and to look for opportunities where she might have only seen the normal everyday occurrences before...

     ...this is where I came in.

     For me, beyond the emotions of grief and loss of Jeremy's death lay other emotions attached to the relationship I have with Vee...

     ...Guilt.

     You see, the only reason I get to experience this amazing love, the only way I get to spend my life with Vee, the only way we get to have this amazing family is because Jeremy died and because Vee had to lose her husband.  And then it hits me... I benefitted from someone else's loss. The thought of that still cuts me to the core.

     To this day I still don't know how to cope with knowing that the only way I got to this point with such an amazing woman is because Jeremy died too early and Vee lost her love.  When I think about it too much the feeling of guilt overcomes me.  I know I didn't cause Jeremy's death.  I know I didn't cause Vee to grieve.  At the same time I know without those events my life would look entirely different.

     I don't have any hard and fast answers to helping deal with the feelings of guilt that come from feeling like you have benefited from someone else's pain, but here are a few things that I have tried to remember when those feelings of guilt become strong...    

1) I love Vee from this point forward.
When I fell in love with Vee she had already lost Jeremy.  Her life with Jeremy present was no longer an option.  She will never get the opportunity to live out her days with Jeremy which means she will be living them out some other way.... that means I get the opportunity to love her for who she is.  Sure, there are parts that are broken but there are also parts that are uniquely healing, strong, and impossible to obtain without going through such a traumatic event.  This is where I found her and this is where I fell in love with her... and I can' imagine her any other way.

2) I dismiss hypotheticals and "what if's".
Vee and I are often asked hypothetical questions about our situation, such as "If you would have known how Jeremy were going to die would you have been with him... or taken him to the doctor when he had a severe headache...etc?" or "Comparing the life you had with Jeremy as to the one with Steve, which one seems to fit you better?"  These are all hypothetical questions and could drive a person crazy! I sometimes find myself here thinking "Where would I be if Jeremy was still living?" These questions only lead to me feeling guilty about the love I have found and the truth is... I cant go back and change a thing.  I can only move forward.  So, whenever my mind begins to ask the hypothetical questions I try my best to dismiss them and live in the present situation.

3) I accept reality.
Vee and I both came from really traumatic life events.  Those events are true and real and whether we like it or not, life is not always fair.  My reality prior to Vee was that I had been in a relationship where the other person was not in love with me and that out in various ways... as hard as it was, that was reality.  Prior to me, Jeremy and Vee were in a great relationship... then Jeremy died... and as hard as it was, that was Vee's reality.  We can't go back and change things, so we are forced to accept the reality of our circumstances and go forward from there.

4) I cherish the present.
The truth is, I am really blessed!  I have a wonderful wife who loves me and accepts me the way I am.  She encourages me, supports me, and loves me like I have never known before.  I cannot imagine anyone loving me anywhere close to the way that she does.  Several years ago a woman at my church was trying to help me put things into perspective and shared with me a story about a "good wolf" and a "bad wolf."  She asked me which wolf I thought would grow bigger and stronger than the other.  I knew there was some kind of catch even though I wasn't smart enough to figure it out, so I waited for her answer.  "The strongest one is the one you feed... so don't feed the bad wolf."  I could spend a lifetime feeding the "bad wolf" by thinking about hypotheticals and wondering how things might be different "if"... but then I would only be wasting the time that I could be using to enjoy what God has given me now.  So I try very hard to feed the "good wolf" by soaking up every day and by recognizing the wonderfully amazing life, woman, and family that God has blessed me with.

     In the last blog I mentioned I wanted to share some of the challenges that Vee and I have had go walk through in our relationship.  I want to encourage you (whether you are dating/married to a widow... or a widow looking to date or marry) to ask any questions that you would like and I will do my best to answer them as honestly and openly as I can.   I can't promise I will give any solutions, but I can at least share our journey with you.

Steve

   

the outsider

                                                                         Source
   
   When Vee and I decided to allow God to use our lives as a ministry to help others we did so with the understanding that our lives, including our hurts and struggles, needed to be transparent.  Because God has blessed our relationship and our family so much I fear that sometimes it comes across that there have been no struggles, no challenges, or no hurdles that we have had to overcome.  The truth is- there have been.  Not many and none so treacherous, but there have definitely been things we have had to work through.

    Every relationship has its areas that need refined, and our relationship is no different.  Over the next few weeks I want to walk through some of the obstacles that Vee and I have had to walk through - and some them are common for those who are dating or married to a widow.  So if you have any questions or any topics that you would like for me to address, please feel free to leave a comment and I will try to address as many as I can over the next few weeks.  I can tell you that I don't have any hard and fast answers to anything... I am NO expert! What I can do is to give you an honest glimpse into our lives and how we have navigated our relationship.  As I already stated, my goal is to be as transparent as possible, so feel free to ask the hard questions.

     Recently Vee and I read the book "The Color of Rain" by Michael and Gine Spehn.  Before I go any further let me say that this book beautifully walks the reader through the painfulness of grief, the hardship of raising children in the midst of loss, and in the end has a beautiful story of redemptive love... so if you haven't read it, you should! One night as our family was making one of our many road-trips and the kids were finally starting settle down and drift off to sleep enough to the point where Vee and I could begin to hear ourselves think, Vee pulled out the Color of Rain and began to read. The chapter she started to read quickly drew my attention and before long I felt the the words on the page were the words that my heart had been trying to speak but my mouth could never quite find the right words to articulate.

    I want to let Michael Spehn's words speak here, but before I do I want to set up the chapter.  Gina Kell and Michael Spehn both lost their spouses at and early age.  As the book continues you begin to see that God has woven their lives together - not to make sense out of death and loss - but to give redemption and love where neither had any hope.  Sometime after both Gina and Michael lost their spouses they began a friendship and soon after a dating relationship.  In chapter 37 Michael shares that Gina's late husband, Matt, had several very close friends who had started a foundation in his name for families who have small children who lost a parent to cancer.  Since Michael's wife also died of cancer and left behind small children, Gina approached her late husband's friends with the idea that she wanted to change the name of the foundation to include Michael's late wife as well - the "New Day Foundation for Families, in honor of Matt Kell and Cathy Spehn."  Matt's friends were visibly and audibly against the change and, although polite, stood their ground that they wanted to support their friend who had died and were not interested in anyone else coming in the picture.  The following is Michael's words from this encounter:

     "I was a little insulted, sure, but I got it.  At its root was the fact that these guys weren't ready.  They were not prepared for the concept of Gina and someone else... anyone else, other than their brother Matt. I understood that completely.  I was frustrated by it but I was sympathetic to them at the same time.
     We spend years building the really important relationships of our lives; the guys you meet in school, the ones you play ball with, the few who made it through all of the years and all the experiences.  These are more than your friends; they are your touchstones that keep you grounded through life's ups and downs.  These people, and the collection of memories you share, form the bedrock that gives you the confidence to get married, have children, start new businesses, and so forth.
     When Matt Kell died, these men were shaken to their core.  They looked around and saw that the foundation of their lives had cracks in it.  The grief they felt wasn't simply sadness; it was also fear.  Men in general tend to respond to this feeling by shifting into task mode.  These guys did that by organizing golf outings and taking Matt's sons to ball games and figuring out ways to help Gina.  Which is perfectly well and good, but the core issues remained unresolved.  The result is grief delayed. The opposite of those who slip from grief into despair and hopelessness, these folks seem to consciously defer their grief for the sake of the widow and her kids.
     I was keenly aware of my status in this group from the start.  I was the outsider."

     "That's it" I said to Vee and we drove down the road into the dark of the night... "That's what I feel!"  Since Jer's death in 2010, his "brothers" and people who knew and loved him came to the aid of Vee and the kids.  They didn't know what else to do, so they did whatever they could!  They helped take care of the kids, took them out on special trips like Jer would have done if he were alive.  They helped with odds and ends projects around the house that Jer would have taken care of if he were still there.  They organized the Annual Jeremy King Memorial Hunt and a Jeremy King Memorial Dinner where money was raised to help Faith, Caleb, and Carter as they entered college.  All of these things were, and are, super important.  And these men and women who stepped up to fill a hole after Jeremy's life ended too short were a God-sent in the truest of senses.

     For some (though not all), Vee's status as a widow gave them a tangible outlet to ignore their grief and dive heart first into helping her and the kids.  In fact, it was not just an outlet... it was an important role.  As Vee and I began to talk and started dating it was hard for many of the people that had been close to Jer.  As Michael stated, they were not prepared for the concept of Vee and someone else... anyone else, other than their friend Jeremy.  For some, it threatened their "role" in taking care of Vee and the kids, for others they were not ready to see Vee move forward because they themselves had not yet been able to grieve because they had "delayed" their grief in order to help the family Jeremy left behind.

     Although it was hard, I understood where these folks were coming from.  I had been hurt too.  I had scars, but these were not my friends, these were Jeremy's friends and the bond that they had with Jeremy went deep.  I could not be mad at them for being hesitant, although it was frustrating at times.  As Michael so simply stated, "I was keenly aware of my status in this group from the start.  I was the outside."  I needed to be as patient with them as I wanted them to be with me.

     The good news - by and large, Jeremy had great friends who over time have come to accept me into their circle.  I am not "one of the guys" yet - and I may never be.  I will never be Jeremy's replacement (not for Vee or anyone else). But I have come to be accepted.  And I have come to accept them.  I have learned stories from them and have watched them grieve their friend and brother.  I hurt for them because I know in Jeremy's death their innocence was taken from them and has left them vulnerable.  I stand beside them, as many have stand beside me now.  I appreciate them for their friendship to their brother Jeremy, for the way in which they love and care about his family, and for their ability to look beyond their own grief to accept a new person into Vee's life.

     So, to make a long story just a little shorter, here are a few helpful tips to remember if you are dating or marrying a widow(er) whose late spouses friends are still active in her life:

1) Just because your widowed girlfriend/boyfriend is ready for a relationship with you does not mean everyone else in her/his life will be.  Expect some resistance and be prepared to be an "outsider."

2) Give grace and patience.  If the friends of your girlfriend/boyfriends late spouse are not ready, it doesn't mean that they will never be ready.  It may take some time but if they see that you honestly care about the widow you will gain their trust and respect.

3) Just because it was their friend doesn't mean they have to be yours.  There may be some people you find that you can be friends with, others will just be acquaintances, and others that you may not be close with at all... and that is ok!

4) Remember to be respectful.  Many of the "friends" were there to be helpful in a very tragic time.  Your girlfriend/boyfriend may not be very close with all of her/his late spouses friends, but chances are she may find their presence meaningful as it reminds her/him of their late spouse.  Putting these friends down or trying to remove them from the picture all together may be seen as a threat to remove the memories that your girlfriend/boyfriend has of her/his spouse.

     I hope these thoughts are somewhat helpful in your journey.  Again, over the next several week I encourage you to ask any questions, challenges, concerns you have about dating or marrying a widow.  I look forward to hearing from you and walking this journey with you!

Steve

 

   

Luckiest

 

     Every once in a while I get a comment either from a blog, or Facebook, or in person where someone will say something to the effect of, "Vee is such a lucky woman to have you!"  While it never hurts to have your ego stroked... the truth is that I am the lucky one. Since Vee and I first started dating there were a lot of hurdles for me to overcome and Vee was patient with each one, knowing where to encourage me, where to support me, and knowing all the right ways to make a very insecure heart feel safe enough to love again.

     I came out of a very dysfunctional relationship that left some pretty deep scars.  The only things that were higher than the walls that surrounded my heart were the reasons why I shouldn't trust anyone into the very intimate parts of my life again.  Don't get me wrong, the idea of having a healthy relationship sounded good... but the thought of opening up my heart again literally scared the hell out of me!  I had been hurt before, my two girls had been through enough, and even the thought of having someone knock us down again was enough to make me want to lock the doors on my life and never let anyone in... but thats where I found her...

     I think it was easy for some people to peg Vee as a helpless widow who didn't really have much to offer.  In fact, I think for a time Vee saw herself in this way.  But the truth is, what Vee was able to offer me was exactly what would tare down the walls around my heart, heal my brokenness, give me and my daughters security for the first time, and change our lives drastically.  Vee wasn't (and isn't) some kind of charity case.  She is strong.  She has been through hell and back.  She has looked her worst nightmare in the face and lived through it.  And best of all (at least for me) she came out on the other side with a new perspective on life and the ability to love and live deeper. 

     I truly believe its because of what Vee learned through her brokenness that gave her the ability to love me to the point of healing my heart.  I have come to understand that a widow(er) loves different.  Its a focused love.  Its rooted in seeking the most of each moment.  It looks towards the best in the other person.  It skips past the superficial parts of life and is consumed by the truly meaningful and important pieces.  In its effort to find healing it bring about healing.  While it may be fragile it is as endless as an ocean and that is exactly what I needed, an ocean of love and acceptance.

    And that is exactly what I still need!

     Everyday Vee still showers me with the love that is re-writing and re-training my heart.  Its a slow process, but grief has taught her patience for this journey.  She accepts me for my flaws and my insecurities and continually reminds me that she is "in this journey with me for life" which is the salve to this old heart. 

   A few weeks after Vee and I started dating I heard a song on the radio that I hadn't heard in a long time.  The words rang true.  They spoke to exactly how I felt (and still feel) about Vee in my life.
                                           
                     "I don't get many things right the first time

                    In fact, I am told that a lot                    Now I know all the wrong turns                    The stumbles and falls brought me here
                   And where was I before the day                   That I first saw your lovely face?                   Now I see it everyday                   And I know that I am                   I am, I am the luckiest
                  What if I'd been born fifty years before you                  In a house on the street where you live?                  Maybe I'd be outside as you passed on your bike                  Would I know?
                  And in a wide sea of eyes                  I see one pair that I recognize                 And I know that I am                 I am, I am the luckiest
                I love you more than I have                Ever found a way to say to you
                Next door, there's an old man who lived to his 90's                And one day, passed away in his sleep                And his wife, she stayed for a couple of days                And passed away
                I'm sorry, I know that's a strange way                To tell you that I know we belong                 That I know that I am                I am, I am the luckiest!"

      I tell Vee all the time that I am SO glad to be the one who gets to love her for life... and that's the truth!  I am convinced that God brought us together for a healing that neither one of us could have ever thought possible but neither one can deny.

    So, thank you babe!  Thanks for tearing down my walls, for helping me find myself again, for loving me unconditionally, for loving Zada and Reagan like your own, for being patient with me, for healing my heart, and for walking this journey with me!   

    I truly am the luckiest!

Steve